Fun with Books... TAG!

Okay, so Ann tagged me for this one, and it looked like so much fun I just had to do it! Oh, and I'm tagging Everett, Tooz, and Becca for this one!

1. Find the nearest book.
2. Name the book & the author.
3. Turn to page 123.
4. Go to the fifth sentence on the page. Copy out the next three sentences and post to your blog.
5. Tag three more folks.

Okay, I'm going to cheat a little on this one. I am simultaneously reading two different books, both of which were Christmas presents. One is "The Lost Continent" by Bill Bryson (which was Christmas present from a certain guy I know and is great fun to read). The other is "Eragon," by Christopher Paolini. It was a present to me from Rachel (picked out by Jamie). I'll look at page 123 in both of them, and see which one is more entertaining. They're both pretty good so far, so we'll see which one has a more riveting page 123.

Okay, I can't do page 123 on "The Lost Continent" because there is only one sentence on the page, which happens to be the last sentence of a paragraph, and the paragraph is the last bit of that particular chapter. So that one's out.

So, in "Eragon", we have:

"He had lavished all of his skill on it. The shale roof shadowed a railed balcony that extended from a tall window on the second floor. Each waterspout was a snarling gargoyle, and every window and door was framed by carvings of serpents, harts, ravens and knotted vines."

Ooooh, that was fun. Thanks for tagging me on this one, Ann. And thanks, Animal, for starting it!

"The Talk"

Hoo, boy. It's almost "that" time. The time for "the talk" with Jamie. He's almost nine now, people, and he still has no clue about basic human reproduction. Does this make me a terrible mother, or a good one? I'm dreading the look of horror and the squeaked out question, "I came out of where?" So, I've put it off. But the fact cannot be ignored that he has entered puberty. Even his doctor said so. Of course, this was quite a few months ago, but let's just say we're getting to the point where the talk cannot be put off much longer. Especially since I don't want him coming home from school with lots of misinformation. But, then again, I'm still dreading that look of horror. Ack! Anybody got any suggestions on how a mom can have this talk with her son with the least amount of mental discomfort (on both sides)?

The Holiday Before the Holiday

So, today is my bonus holiday paid day off. Woo hoo! So far, I've slept until 11 a.m. (very very VERY nice), gathered up the trash for Jamie to take out, contemplated doing the dishes (and decided to wait until later), shared an orange from my work Christmas stocking with Jamie, and received a work-related phone call from my boss. He went in to work today, and since he had already told the rest of us the office would be closed, went in by himself. So, when he couldn't find what he needed, he called me. This happens fairly often when I'm off work either due to my illness, Jamie's illness, a vacation day, or a bonus holiday. I think I've decided to be flattered that they need me that much. I guess it's kind of nice to be needed.

On another note, I got a nice bonus from work yesterday, so later today we get to go spend it. More Christmas shopping! Woo hoo! I LOVE to shop, but only when it's stuff for other people, not me. I hate going clothes shopping for myself. Absolutely hate it! But I love clothes, so I suffer for my clothes obsession. LOL!

Love you all.

Update!

Much has happened since the last time I blogged. Let's see, where should I begin?

1. Rachel's grades were posted yesterday. I'm very very proud of her! Three A's and two B's. Way to go Rachel! Woo hoo!!!!!!!

2. Dad has returned from his "vacation" and Jamie and I are supposed to go down to see him Saturday afternoon, spend the night, do a mini Christmas gift opening Christmas Eve morning, then come back in time for our Christmas Eve service at church. While we're at Dad's, he's sending me to Wally World with some $$ so I can pick out a present for "Papaw" to give to Jamie. At least this way, Jamie will get something he likes. Now I just have to figure out what Jamie and I are giving Dad for Christmas. Any suggestions? (Last year, I gave him a calendar with pictures of donkeys. He said he wanted and needed a calendar, so I got him one that was suitable to the way he was behaving at this time last year. He didn't get the joke. I still grin every time I see it!)

3. My illness is still lingering on. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I don't think it's quite healthy to have lost 10 pounds in less than a week. The doctor's office says it's just a virus and will pass. But since when do viruses last almost a week with no sign of getting better? Oh, well. I'll get over it eventually.

4. Bonus day off! My boss decided that, instead of us working a half day this Friday, he didn't want to come in so the whole office is going to be closed Friday in addition to Monday. Woo hoo! And, he's treating us to a company Christmas lunch on Thursday (which means we'll be shutting down the office for at least a couple of hours that day, too). I have a nice boss (remind me of this next time I start grumbling about my job, okay?) We also have stockings at work with each person's name on them, and we all have been contributing presents to our coworkers' stockings. We get to take them home on Thursday after work.

5. I have a wonderful, generous son. He has proven to me, and his teachers and classmates, over and over again that he's growing up to be a wonderful boy. I'm very proud of my sweet young man. (And remind me of this one, too, next time I'm grousing about my kid, okay?)

6. Friday, Rachel and I are taking the kids shopping for their mommies. Rachel is taking Jamie and I'm taking Destiny to pick out presents for their mommies (and each other). So that will be lots of fun!

7. Friday afternoon, I might be taking Jamie and his best friend Ramo to the movies to see "Night at the Museum". It looks like the kind of clean movie two rambunctious young boys would love to see!

Much hugs and love to you all. Merry Christmas!

The Semester is Officially OVER!!!

I just submitted my last paper for the semester, which officially ends at 11:59 p.m. tonight. Woo hoo! So far, my final grades are:

US History (1865 to the Present) - B
Criminal Evidence and Procedure - A
Women: Images and Perspectives - A

I just turned in my last paper for Dance, Gender and Culture, but I'm fairly certain I'm getting an A in that class. The paper I turned in is worth 20 points, but I only need to get 14 on it to still have an A in the class. Considering the fact that I'm very ill still, I'm darn proud of myself for getting it done on time. And not to be conceited, but I'm fairly certain I'll get higher than a 14 on it. Unless of course I'm still coasting on a phenergan-induced high which has led me to believe my academic prowess much greater than it actually is at this point.... I'll keep y'all posted.

Love and big hugs to all.

We're All Sick Puppies

I don't mean that we have dark senses of humor (well, Rachel and I do sometimes, but not the kids). Everybody in the house is sick. It started with Destiny having a severe ear infection, then Jamie started coughing, then Rachel, then me. But the weird thing is, none of us have an illness that is contagious. It's all infections, not viruses. Jamie has a sinus infection and upper respiratory infection. He missed school Tuesday and part of today. Rachel missed work over the weekend taking care of Destiny (then having to rush her to the ER with a high fever Sunday morning). Monday, I had to come home early because of severe vertigo (which I found out today may be caused by a nasty sinus infection) I missed work yesterday and today, and I'm trying to go back to work tomorrow. Jamie's going back to school, Destiny back to daycare and Rachel to her own work. Please pray that we all can make it through our respective daily routines without having to come home due to illness. We've all been to our different doctors, and they all say we need time, rest and antibiotics to heal. Well, time's up. We have to go back to work and the kids to school/daycare if the adults want to keep their jobs. So, please pray for wellness and healing. Thank you and love you all.

Christmas Spirit

I used to wonder what happened to the Spirit of Christmas. Then, when I was at a nearby drug store today picking up stuff for work, I saw this.



I think it's what my mom used to call "cutsey-sh#t" stuff like this that scared the Christmas spirit away. There was so much wrong with this decoration it hurt my eyeballs. Am I the only one affronted by this? Am I the only one who sees this at the ultimate in tackiness?

Meme List: Holiday Edition!

Okay, so this was e-mailed to me by Tooz, so I decided to morph it into my own blog entry. Woo hoo! Thanks Tooz!!!


Getting to know your friends - Christmas Edition


1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate?
Definitely Hot Chocolate

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Santa leaves the presents as-is under the tree. That distinguishes them from the ones Mommy gives him, which are all wrapped up.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Jamie likes colored lights, but I prefer the white ones.


4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No, I'm allergic to it.


5. When do you put your decorations up?
Whenever I get around to it (which means sometimes it's as late as the week of Christmas. Ideally, I like to put them up the first weekend of December)

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Pumpkin bread (I don't consider that dessert)

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
We were living in Oklahoma at the time, in what we called the "Mouse House" because it was infested with mice and rats. Mom didn't have very much money, Jodi's medical bills had just about drained Mom dry, Dad was refusing to pay his child support (this was before child support enforcement really existed) and we were sure we weren't going to be able to have Christmas presents for each other. But we woke up Christmas morning, and all three of us kids had the new clothes we all needed, nice soft new jammies and robes, and each of us got a big stuffed animal. Turned out my Great-Aunt Mary had sent Mom some money - enough to pay some bills, buy groceries for Christmas dinner and get us some presents. I still have my stuffed animal from that day (Jamie has inherited it). The thing that strikes me most of all is the happiness in my mom's eyes that she was able to give us something for Christmas.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I was eight, it was the Christmas before Jodi died. Joel came into my room to talk to me, and I heard a rustling sound in the hallway. I tried to get past him to see what it was, and he wouldn't let me by. I kept hearing this weird rustling sound, and I kind of figured it was mom dragging out the presents from Santa to put under the tree, but I wasn't 100% certain until the next morning. When I shook the packaging my Cabbage Patch doll came in, it made the exact same noise, so I knew Mom was Santa. However, I think the spirit of Santa is very real. That's why Jamie still believes in Santa.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Yes. Somewhere along the line it became family tradition that we open one gift on Christmas eve, and it's usually soft, pre-washed, warm jammies to sleep in that night. This year, Jamie's are Batman jammies complete with velcro-detachable cape.


10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Usually with white lights, all the Christmas ornaments we used growing up (including the ones we handmade in Kindergarten), and lots of angel ornaments. There are even two special angel ornaments that represent my mom and sister.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
LOVE IT, and MISS IT!

12. Can you ice skate?
Yes

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Even though he was a couple of weeks late to be a Christmas present, Jamie is and always will be my favorite gift. Anything he makes for me is my second favorite.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Sharing the joy and love of the season with my son and those I've adopted as my family.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
That's a toss up between my grandmother's jam cake and homemade caramel icing and my grandmother's white fudge with candied cherries in it. Haven't had either one in 11 years.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Once the tree is up, take about 30 minutes each night after everyone else has gone to bed, turn off all the lights in the house except the tree lights, and think about all your blessings and joys, and pray and thank the Lord for all your blessings.

17. What tops your tree?
When Jamie was little and prone to trying to climb the tree to get pretty things, it was a red and gold bow. Now that he's older, we use a large fiber optic angel that reminds me of my sister.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving?
Definitely giving (but it's nice to receive gifts that come from the heart, too!)

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Silent Night

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Yuck

21. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Charlie Brown/Peanuts Christmas Special. This year we're going to watch The Polar Express to see how we like it, too.

22. What do you leave for Santa?
crumbs and an empty glass

Sometimes...

You gotta wade through a lot of poo to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Next Friday, December 15 is officially the end of school this semester. Woo hoo! But to get to that glorious light at the end of this stressful time, I have to: take a double exam today for my "US History II (1865 to the present)" class - one part is on the last two chapters, the other part covers the entire semester and it counts as two separate grades; turn in my final paper this Friday for my "Criminal Evidence and Procedure" class - the paper covers the Rules of Evidence under Texas Law; I have to complete my final exam for my "Women: Images and Perspectives" class before next Friday; and I have to write and turn in a 6 page paper over George Balanchine's Don Quixote and how the choreography is a reflection of Balanchine's own quest for the perfect woman for my "Dance, Gender and Culture" class which is due by next Friday as well. Pshew!

But, once that is done, I'll have one whole glorious month before I have to pick up a text book again! Oh, Happy Day! One month to read trashy paperback novels, to read my Bible and not feel like I'll have a quiz over the contents later, one month to actually GET TO WATCH TV AGAIN! Hallelujah!

Then school will start again, but this time I was half-way smart and arranged my schedule so that I will be taking four courses total, but only three at a time. I'm hoping this will help me feel less frazzled.

EYE CANDY FRIDAY: SOCCER EDITION

As before, I'll add that these images are copyright Image in Motion, San Antonio, TX.

What I Want for Christmas

Several people lately have asked me what I want for Christmas. Since a million bucks is kind of out of range of most of the folks I know, I've finally decided what I want - a day off from EVERYTHING.

No papers to write
no chapters of really boring text books to read
no work reports to type
no payroll reports to run
no bills to process for payment
no invoices to prepare
no phone calls
no walking the dog
no kids
no other adults
no computer
no responsibility to do anything whatsoever.

I want 24 hours of total solitude with nothing but the 500 channels on cable, a pile of good books and magazines, a huge stash of chocolate and my nice comfy bed.

Anybody able to give me that for Christmas?

Can You Believe

That this guy thinks the peace sign is "a symbol of Satan"? To quote one of my favorite cartoon characters..."WHAT A MAROON!"

Gloating, Glorifying and Giving

First, the Gloating

Being the huge geek that I am, I decided to cruise around www.weather.com to see how San Antonio's weather forecast for today stacks up against those cities where my blog friends/family live. Seems we have you all beat for warmth right now (I'm still wearing sandals and shorts most of the time, as is Jamie)...

CITY HIGH/LOW
San Antonio, TX 78/62
Goodyear, AZ 69/43
Madison, TN 68/47
Chattanooga, TN 68/46
Georgetown, KY 66/44
Brooklyn, NY 64/48
Vernon Hills, IN 58/50
Madison, WI 55/49

Tomorrow, San Antonio is supposed to be up in the 80s. Just doesn't feel like the Christmas season has begun. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I miss snow.

Then the Glorifying

Had a great church service yesterday. I really felt the Lord with us there in the church. I came away with a sense of peace that calmed my heart and stilled my soul. I had a mini-epiphany (epiphannette?), reinforcing that you have to have pain to have joy and dark to have light. I also realized that, although there's a lot of stuff that I consider to be troubling in my life right now, I have much more that I should be grateful for. So I gave many thanks to Him instead of whining. It felt good to praise and give glory rather than complaining.

And Now the Giving

Had fun doing some Internet Christmas browsing over the weekend. I didn't get to buy anything like I wanted to, but it was fun browsing around to see if I could find the perfect gifts for each person on my list. That's what I love best about Christmas - giving the people I care about and love presents. It's not so much about me getting anything from anyone else (although I do admit I like that, too!), but about the act of finding the present I think best suits the receiver. And one day, when I've gotten my bachelor's degree out of the way and wrap up my MLS, I'll REALLY get to have fun giving presents!

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving!

Eye Candy Tuesday

I don't know about you, but this is about the sweetest, most handsome 8 year old boy I've seen in a long time. (Is it just me, or does he look a lot like my brother? Only with lighter hair and eyes, of course.)

I Haven't Done Many Lists...

I haven't done many lists, so I thought I'd steal this one from Suze. Anyway, 50 random questions that might tell some of you some things you want to know (or not). I just wanted to post a more positive post since the last couple have been so whiny.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
You mean you’re supposed to look in the mirror?

2. How much cash do you have on you?
$20.53

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
poor

4. Favorite planet?
Saturn

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My house. I lose my cell phone all the time and use the home phone to call it. Then I just track it down by listening for the ringer.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
“The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A long sleeve orange t-shirt with faux white undershirt I got at Wally World a couple years ago

8. Do you “label” yourself?
Does “classic-overachiever-single-mom-slowly-driving-herself-insane” count?

9. Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing?
I’m barefoot right now, but the last shoes I had on were black soccer slides

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She’s smart, funny and basically all-around great

12. What does your watch look like?
Which one?

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading a really good suspense novel called “Hour Game”

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
It was a very explicit, VERY RAUNCHY text which was apparently meant for the man who used to have my cell phone number, as I sure as heck don’t know any women named Candii and what she was suggesting was anatomically impossible for me to accomplish. LOL!

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I haven’t seen any down here

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?
How about a phrase… “um….no” (usually in response to Jamie’s ridiculous and frequent requests for toys)

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Jamie

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My cottonball dog, Ziggy

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Three – 1) caffeine, 2) caffeine, and 3) caffeine

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Three from a year and a half ago. I’m just now emerging from the dark ages

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Wha? Not applicable

22. Your worst enemy?
I’m my own worst enemy

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Home: A gorgeous picture of a woodland bridge in Central Park my brother took. Work: A promotional still from the Nickelodeon animated series “Avatar: The Last Airbender”. Yes, I am a geek

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Yes, you may stay up a little bit later since you don’t have school tomorrow”. Jamie’s school gets the entire Thanksgiving week off from school

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
The money. If I want to fly then, I’ll just buy a plane

26. Do you like someone?
Most definitely

27. The last song you listened to?
“White and Nerdy” by Weird Al. I like hearing songs about me

28. What time of day were you born?
8:55 a.m. exactly

29. What’s your favorite number?
6 (that’s been Jamie’s soccer number, regardless of team, for years now)

30. Where did you live in 1987?
In Indian Acres in a certain Kentucky town that many of my blogging friends know quite well

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
I try not to be

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I sooooooo seriously doubt it!

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Mass Communications class at Eastern Kentucky University

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Usually I rock them back and forth until they either spew forth my money or my candy

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
I try to be

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Having enduring numerous painful medical procedures involving needles from the age of 6 until recently, there isn’t enough money in the world to induce me to put a tattoo anywhere on my person (unless it’s the rub-on-with-a-sponge-and-water kind)

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Actually, there’s two – Russian and Latin

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Most definitely

39. Are you touchy feely?
Not really touchy feely, but I do enjoy a good cuddle

40. What’s your life motto?
I’m stealing this from a poem a read, but basically “It doesn’t matter what other people think about you. It’s all between you and God, anyway”

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Cell phone
Jamie’s epi-pen
chapstick

42. What’s your favorite town/city?
Currently, this great little town called Boerne, TX. It’s all antiques, no tall signs spearing the sky, nice old-fashioned Main Street (btw- “Boerne” rhymes with Ernie)

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Little Caesar’s Pizza and breadsticks

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Does a greeting card count?

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No clue how to do anything on my car. I’m a typical female in that all I do is get in the car and drive it. I pay someone else to maintain it.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
I’m not going there

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Um, not very

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Ann’s wedding in May. I wore a strapless chocolate brown satin bridesmaid’s dress. Duh! I wore it because I was a bridesmaid

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My throat. I’ve got a sinus thing going on now

50. Have you been burned by love?
A long time ago, but I’m over it now.

Anniversary

Mom died six years ago today. I've been too busy most of the day to really dwell on it, but it's been pushing at the back of my mind all day. I know I shouldn't be sad that she's gone. That's selfish of me. Because what I'm most sad about is that I don't have her here with me. I should be rejoicing. She's with Jodi now. And she's finally gotten to know the little baby boy she lost long before I was born. I know Mom and Jodi are laughing and joking and so happy to be together now. But it still hurts, I still miss her. Well, I miss Jodi, too. I miss them both so much, but I can admit I miss Mom more. I knew her longer, and on a different level. I was just about Jamie's age when Jodi died. So I knew her as a sister knows her hero. I didn't really know the "real" Jodi. I knew and loved what I wanted her to be. With Mom, I knew her as a child first, but then as a woman and a best friend. Yes, we got on each other's nerves, and there are countless times we hurt each other. But as the old cliche says, "we hurt most the ones we love best", or something like that.

I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Mom and her illness. Maybe if I write them here, I can finally let go of the guilt. Maybe I can finally forgive myself for being a selfish chit in her last days. See, Mom was already in the nursing home when I had my birthday. I was working that day, and I was too tired after covering a whole bunch of stories, literally running all over the state that day. So I was too tired to go see her. I didn't go see my mother and tell her "thank you for my life" on my birthday. The last birthday I had that she was alive to see. I think part of me was in denial that she would really die. I kept thinking she'd suddenly just get better one day and get to come home. I'd have my mommy back, and Jamie would have his grandmama. Everything would be just the way it was before our lives were turned upside down. So I ignored how imperative it was that I go see her that day. True, I went and saw her the next day, but I missed that crucial opportunity to tell her just how much I appreciated all the sacrifices she had ever made for me and for Jamie.

My last moment of shame and guilt: When Hospice called to tell me Mom was dying, I didn't go see her. I had been out there earlier that day. Mom was pretty far gone - the cancer had eaten into a lot of her brain. She was in pain, so the nurses had her on a morphine drip. So she wasn't coherent. I don't know if she knew we were there. But just before we left, I hugged her so hard, and I told her that if it hurt too much, and if she couldn't face the pain anymore, that I wanted her to "let go". I told her not to try to hold on any longer if it was too hard. I told her it was okay to let go. She looked me square in the eyes then. I hugged her harder than I have ever hugged anyone in my life. I held her for as long as I could, but then Jamie started fussing (he wasn't quite 3 yet) and we had to go.

That night, I had some severe pain related to my own health condition at the time, so I took some pretty stout narcotic pain killers. About an hour later, Hospice called and told me to come, that Mom was about to slip away. I couldn't drive in that condition and Jamie's babysitter wasn't home. I wasn't about to drive on narcotics, much less with my toddler in the car. So I couldn't go. I wasn't there when my mother died. Mom didn't have anyone who loved her there to hold her hand when she died. I take that back, she did, Jesus was there, and I know He took her in His arms. But I should have been there too. And I still feel guilty over it. I don't want my mom to think I didn't love her. I did. She was my best friend in the whole world. I loved her so much. I do love her so much. I still miss her with all my heart. And yet I wasn't there with her when she died.

Yet again, I'm not there with her. I can't be there to put flowers on her grave today. I'm not there to talk to her and tell her how much I love her. How much my heart hurts not having her here with me. How it hurts me for Jamie to not have her in his life anymore. Her grave is 1200 miles away. I just hope someone remembered to take her flowers today. Yellow roses were her favorites.

I love you, Mommy. I'll always carry you in my heart.

AAAAAAAACKKKKKK!

I MUST BE CRAZY TO BE TRYING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!!!! I feel like someone has taken my head and is just squeezing as hard as they can, then someone else has hooked up my heart to the car battery and making it go "vroooooommmm, vrooooooommm" at a million miles an hour.

Tonight I have an exam (3/4 of the material I haven't had time to read), later this week two term papers are due, and this week is payroll as well as everyone at work is dumping crap on me in anticipation of next week being only three days long. Aaaaackkkkkkkkkkkkkk! If I thought it would do any good, I'd sit here and have a good cry. What on earth was I thinking? (Other than wanting out of the secretarial field and wanting more money and a better life for Jamie!!!!)

This Guy Listens to Weird Al

I know this because he "Dare(s) to be Stupid!". To know what I'm talking about, go here. I never cease to be amazed by the stupidity of some people. Roman candle, anyone?

For Clan Meadors

First, a funny story that makes me think of all the members of Clan Meadors:

I had a moment at work yesterday when it was like Mr. David was inside my head. The engineer I don't get along with very well is investigating the cause of a fatal car wreck. It is believed one of the metal parts failed (that's where my company's expertise comes in) causing the wreck. As he passed by, the engineer was muttering something about "dead men tell no tales". Suddenly, it was as though David was sitting right there beside me, because I could hear his voice clearly in my head. "If a dead man speaks, there's a good possibility that he isn't quite dead." I started laughing and said that to the engineer. I think he thinks I'm a bit off my rocker now.

Now a funny cartoon that makes me think of you all:



P.S. I hope you realize that you don't necessarily have to have the last name "Meadors" for me to consider you part of Clan Meadors. Much like the Scots, I consider David and Susan to be the Clan heads, and the rest of us have been either birthed into or adopted as part of the clan family. But now I'm starting to wonder what our tartan would look like...

Contemplation

I've been doing a lot of thinking here lately regarding the choices I've made in life, and how I got where I am, and where I want to go from here. I've also been asking myself the question, "Where does God want me to go from here?" I believe he led me here to Texas, but I also believe I'm not meant to stay here long-term.

I didn't want to leave Georgetown. In fact, at my little going-away get together, I cried. A lot. And when we finally packed up the car and drove away from Georgetown, I cried - a lot. I cried until we got to Tennessee (no joke). Heck, I even cried when I left Kentucky again after we had visited for Ann's wedding. Kentucky was where I had people I loved. Kentucky was safe. But Kentucky was also becoming toxic to my soul.

I had (and still have) some great friends in Ky. But I also had some long-term relationships with people who were... well, bad influences. I was trying to become a better person, but I kept submitting to the temptations these people were offering. And because some of these people were "friends" (so I thought) for such a long time, I felt I couldn't say "no" to them when they asked me to do stuff for them, or go out with them. I thought they were friends, and I was weak, and did things I knew was wrong because I thought I was just "having fun". What I was doing wasn't illegal, I wasn't hurting anyone (but myself) but it wasn't who I wanted to be. But I wasn't sure how to get away from these influences because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Then things started happening which I now believe was God setting up a chain of events that would force me to get away from those bad influences and find the person He knew I could be. I also had to leave my "comfort zone" behind to do it.

See, I was comfortable in Georgetown. I didn't have to try hard because I knew most everybody. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing at least five people I knew. But it was also hard, because there was this preconceived notion of who I was and what was expected of me. I was the "bright girl" who had made all the wrong choices and was going nowhere in life. So it was really easy to just be that person because it took no effort whatsoever. But when I realized I didn't want to be that anymore, it was hard to get people to see me as something else and give me the chance to be that. (But let me clarify here. There are some people who loved me and accepted me regardless of what I did. You know who you are. You - and God of course - saved me from just giving up and being that bad person it would have been so easy to be.) I woke up and realized I wanted to make the right choices, but I wasn't sure how to do it.

Moving to Texas was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I knew exactly one person down here - my father. And I love my dad, but I do NOT like him very much. So moving away from my support center to where I basically had no person on my side was so difficult. But I needed to start over. I needed to get away from all the word-of-mouth that kept me from finding gainful employment. I needed to get away from my past and be who I was meant to be. Not knowing anyone down here at all gave me the ability to shed that "other Jennifer". No one knew me, so no certain behavior was expected of me. I was able to be the person I want to be, the person God wants me to be.

True, I'm still taking little baby steps. It's hard to shed years of bad habits and behaviors. But I'm doing it. I have a great job and I've found a wonderful church. I have one really good friend and a few acquaintances who might turn into good friends. And I've also discovered something else: I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. And a lot more kind and generous. And even smarter. (If I'm not careful, I'll sound conceited!) Three years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you had told me I could pull off school full-time, work full-time, raising and loving my boy and still do all the volunteering that I do. When I lived in Kentucky, I had convinced myself I was a failure. But I'm not. It's just taken me moving 1200 miles away from my comfort zone to figure it out. God knew who I was and what I could be all along. I was just too stubborn to realize it, so he had to arrange things in such a way to make me figure it out for myself. Thank you, Jesus.