Rant Thursday: Parenting Edition

Sometimes, I just don’t understand my kid. Mind you, I love him to pieces; but sometimes, oh sometimes, I feel like he’s some alien dropped down from another planet. We don’t seem to speak the same language and we definitely don’t have the same thinking processes. Some of this has to do with the fact that he has ADHD, some of it to do with him being male, and some of it to do with the fact that his hormones are starting to go crazy and have scrambled his brain. It happens to all children, just wait and see.

Specifically, these are my rants about my kid. I touched on this a bit on my facebook page, but I’ll say it again in case you aren’t my “friend” on fb. These are my top three rants about my kid.

1. He doesn’t understand why it’s important to flush the toilet (or put the seat back down), but he can sit and watch The Science Channel and understand, with near-perfect clarity, what the hell it’s talking about when discussing quantum mechanics and physics.
2. He can’t remember to put the gallon of milk back in the refrigerator, but he can rattle off, from memory, random facts about Albert Einstein.
3. He can’t replace the toilet paper roll on the dispenser after using the last sheet, but he can build a Rube Goldberg Machine of epic proportions (and leave it scattered all over my living room floor).

I know my kid isn’t me. And I do sometimes have to keep reminding myself of that fact. But there are times when I just flat-out don’t understand him!

What about you? What are your parenting rants? (And if you try to tell me that nothing ever frustrates you and that everything is always sunshine and roses, I’ll know you are lying, or that you have a live-in nanny.)

I'm So Not Ready for This!

I guess it's my fault, really. I mean, I should have asked him to specify which friend. But it never occurred to me. When Jamie asked me the other day if he could invite a friend to come to Wednesday night dinner and church with us, I immediately thought of any one of a dozen of his friends. His male friends. So, I immediately said "sure". I didn't think anything of it until the next day, when Jamie announced, "Oh, by the way, CiCi* said she can come to dinner and church with us."

Excuse me? Wait. What?!? Is this the same CiCi with whom you spend hours texting on the phone? Is this the same CiCi of whom you speak at least 20 times a day? Is this the same CiCi that you have admitted is the object of your very first big time crush!?!?!

When I pointed out to him that he isn't allowed to do group dates until he's in 8th grade and no single dates until he's 16, he said, "But, Mom, it isn't a date! It's church!" Yes, it's church, but we eat dinner at church before the service, then you and the other kids go watch a movie with a message. Dinner + movie = DATE!

But he has a point. It's church. There are worse (much, much worse) places he could have wanted to go. So I'll allow it. Grudgingly. While my mother's heart screams "NO!". But only if Ms. Stephanie sits right behind you two during the movie. With a flashlight. And there better be 12 inches of space between you two during the whole movie. And yes, I will give Ms. Stephanie a ruler to measure it.

*Name changed to protect the innocent

**That thunking sound you hear is me banging my head against the wall, trying desperately to forget that my son has a date (of sorts) tonight. Can I just lock him in a closet until he's 30? Please?!?!

In Which I Admit I'm a Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Mother (Or, I Didn't Fix My Kid an Easter Basket)

This is the post in which I admit that I'm a terrible, horrible, very bad mother. You see, my kid didn't get an Easter basket this year. Usually, he gets a nice basket with a chocolate bunny, a small toy or two of some sort, and some candy. This year, he got nothing. No. Thing. No basket, no chocolate bunny to chew the ears off of, no toys, nothing. I didn't even take his picture in his nice mint-green dress shirt, green/white/blue tie, and khaki pants. Tooz took one of him in front of the cross at church, but other than that - nothing. (BTW - Tooz, can you e-mail me a copy of that photo?) In my defense, I smashed the absolute heck out of my finger the day before - the day I had planned to go candy and toy shopping. Instead, after I smushed my finger all to hades and back at 7 a.m., I climbed into bed with a bottle of leftover prescription painkiller liquid. I still can't feel parts of my finger. I did manage to go to Walgreen's the other night in search of medicine to treat the mangledness that is my finger. There, I found a chocolate bunny of the kind he likes (and won't kill him to eat) on sale, and bought him one (and myself one, too). And I did manage to find one lonely little bag of pretty pastel Easter-dressed Hershey Kisses. Out of guilt, I bought him a small LEGO set at (insert big-box retailer name here) Sunday night. But none of it ever wound up in a basket. I think I'm going straight to parent Hell.

Heaven, Help Me!

I was bombed yesterday. Not bombed as in "drunk", not bombed as in "actually had an explosive device dropped on me".... Bombed, as in "Mom we're talking about sex in health class for the rest of the year and so each night for my homework I have to ask you questions."

Oh, dear Lord, help me.

Now, I've talked in quite graphic detail with my son about sex. I've talked about how it's best to wait until you are old enough to handle it mentally, emotionally and physically. How God wants us to wait until we've found the person we're going to spend the rest of our lives with and actually are married to before we take that particular step. How oral sex is definitely still sex and it shouldn't be done, either. How diseases can be spread no matter which orifice is used, so it's much better to wait until you've both decided you love each other, are getting married, and have had all kinds of tests to make sure neither one of you is going to give each other a not-so-pleasant surprise. I even described in graphic detail the things that can happen to one's body parts as a result of some of those nasty diseases.

But I'm not sure how I feel about my baby boy asking me personal questions about sex. I mean, it's one thing for me to tell my son about sex, oral sex and such. It's quite another for him to ask me personal questions. And then, for him to say, "Yeah, the questions at first aren't so bad. But then I looked ahead in the book and.... oh, man! You aren't going to like the questions we have to ask!"

Lovely.

Lord, help me get through these next few months. Help us all. And help it do some good and keep our babies from trying to make babies of their own.

Digital Parenting

I'm a firm believer in using technology to aid in parenting. I'm a "Big Brother is watching you" kind of mom. My son is a tech savvy kid; he has a cell phone, he now has his own computer, he's in a program that will teach him computer animation, website design, how to write mobile phone apps, digital photography, digital movie making/editing, and he's on the computer a lot for both educational and recreational purposes. We are a "techie" family. So it just makes sense to me to use that technology to keep an eye on my kid and make sure he's not getting into something he shouldn't be before it's too late.

For example, as those of you who read my blog know, I recently used the GPS tracking feature on my son's cell phone to track it down when it was stolen from his school. Within 20 minutes of its being stolen, it had been recovered (thanks again, Xena*!). This feature is also great to use for me to know exactly where Jamie is at all times. I know some parents may find this a little extreme of me. But, I remember what it was like to be just a little older than Jamie is now. I frequently lied about where I was and what I was doing. If my mom had ever had this kind of technology to bust me for lying about where I was and what I was doing, I wouldn't have gotten into nearly as many bad things as I did as a kid. Jamie is my child. Lying comes very (too!) easily to him. Not only do I like the fact that I can look on either the computer or my cell phone at any time and know exactly where he is - via his cell phone, I also like the fact that he knows I can do this. This means he is much less likely to lie about where he is. Also, he knows I can and will call him at any moment to ask him a question or clarify instructions about when to be home. This means he can't just turn his cell phone off or pass it off to someone else to make it look like he was somewhere other than he was. He knows if he fails to answer, he's in deep doo-doo, so he better take the phone with him. He also knows if he takes the phone with him and I "ping" his location (as I often do) and he isn't where he's supposed to be, he's in even deeper doo-doo.

The new computer I got for him has a similar feature, called "Lojack for Laptops." Through it, if his computer is ever stolen, I can put a trace on it and track it down within minutes. That information is then conveyed to the police, who can retrieve it. This feature came free for the first year, but I am sure I will renew it yearly after that. I don't know how much it costs, but I think it will be worth it.

Because Jamie is on the computer so much, I also have parental controls enacted on all computers he uses. I limit what sites he can go to, what he can download, and how long he is allowed to be online. If he's doing homework and needs more time on the Internet for research, it's very simple for me to grant him more time. If he's just playing around, he doesn't need to be on "Club Penguin" more than 30 minutes, anyway. I don't want him to turn into one of those kids who spend all day playing some online game. If the sun is shining and the air quality is good that day, he should be outside. If it's raining or the air quality is bad, he can read a book/build LEGOs/do chores inside or whatever.

I also don't want him nosing his way onto sites where he'll see stuff he shouldn't. There's a lot of nasty stuff on the web - some have URLs that are remarkably similar to that of kid-friendly sites. For my spelling-challenged son, it is too easy for him to accidentally mistype a URL and get somewhere I really don't want him to be. It is much easier for me to just have a list of approved websites he can visit, and block all others. If he finds a new site he wants to visit, he has to tell me the URL and I'll go look at it myself on my computer. If it's harmless and has features set up to limit the amount of pervs who will have access to my child, then I'll add it to his list. If you don't know what I mean about limiting perverts/pedophiles' access to kids, I'll explain a bit. Club Penguin, NeoPets and several other kid-oriented sites have a delay chat feature. Basically, when members try to chat, there's a delay between when the person types a message and when the other members can see it. During this delay, a filter is applied to the message to make sure there's no objectionable content. Sexually suggestive comments, invitations to meet, and personal information (address, phone number, real name, etc.) are blocked from being seen by others. This is a wonderful thing!

Many of my regular readers have children who are still too young for such measures, or your children are grown up and you have grandchildren who are still too young. Some of you have children about the same age as Jamie. Tell me, what do you think about digital parenting? Is it something you'll do when your child(ren) gets old enough to regularly use technology? Is it something you use now for your child(ren)? To what degree? Do you think any of it goes too far? Not far enough? Please leave me a comment in the comments section. I'd like to hear your thoughts on the subject!

*name changed to protect the innocent

The Saga of the Cell Phone, Pt. 2 (or... EPIC Parenting FAIL!)

You know, I was going to tell you all in great detail the rest of the story. But the more I thought about it, I realized that this whole saga has already sucked up enough of my time and energy, and that the players involved are not worth me devoting any more time and brain cells to thinking about them. To that end, I’ll provide the following short summary of the whole sad, sordid affair:

• Jamie’s cell phone was stolen out of his locker. I used GPS tracking to find it. When neither the school nor city police were willing to help me get it back, I called my friend Xena* (name changed to protect the innocent) and she retrieved it for me.
• The thief memorized Jamie’s cell phone number, then went home and told his momma a whopper of a lie that Xena* had “smacked” it out of his hand and cussed him out. I know this isn’t true because 1) I was on the phone with Xena* the whole time and heard the entire exchange and it didn’t include any cursing or smacking. It did include a stern warning not to screw his life up by embarking on a life of crime at such a young age (the kid is a fellow 6^th grader); and 2) Xena* isn’t that type of person. The thief’s momma then started calling and texting and leaving harassing/threatening voice mails and text messages on both Jamie’s and my cell phones.
• While talking with the thief, Xena* asked him where he got the phone, and he stated someone gave it to him at school. Then he went home and told his momma that someone brought it to him at their house (even though he hadn’t reached his home yet when he was tracked by GPS). But the momma also commented in her texts and voice mails how easy it was for her kid to get into Jamie’s locker to steal it. Here’s part of the EPIC parenting fail I mentioned…. Not only was she calling and threatening/harassing me and Jamie over the whole thing (which is bad enough), she was LAUGHING at how easy it was for him to do it AND lying through her teeth about several things which I won’t go into here. Suffice it to say this woman will NEVER win “parent of the year” for the example she has set for her children.
• The next morning I went in person to the school to file a report on the theft and the subsequent harassment and threats. Xena* gave a description of the kid. Luckily, Jamie’s locker has a video surveillance camera pointed almost directly at it, so school administrators were able to watch the video and bust the kid who broke into the locker and stole the phone. Big surprise here: It was the same kid who was found with the phone later!
• The kid is now suspended from school and facing legal repercussions for his stupidity. The mother is also facing some legal action for her harassment and terroristic threatening for HER stupidity.

So, that's it. That's the whole story in a nutshell. I could have gone into more detail, but I didn't want to grant these people any more attention than I had already given them. I'd much rather turn my mind to more pleasant things, such as the superior rating Jamie recently got at a violin solo competition. Yeah, that is so much nicer a thing to think about!

Update on Parenting Struggles

Jamie's demeanor and behavior were improved over the weekend (not perfect, mind you, but I don't expect perfection). On Saturday, he worked really hard on his room and helped me with several chores around the house: cleaning the living room (we're about halfway there), sorting/folding/putting away laundry (~3-4 loads), unloading the dishwasher for me, and doing a lot of fetching for me while I was cleaning. Yes, there were times I had to keep repeating myself, and yes, there were times we butted heads, but he was markedly improved.

Because he was so improved, I was wracking my brain to figure out what was different... and it hit me: SLEEP. He'd gotten 10 hours of sleep Friday night, and 9.5 hours of sleep Saturday night. On a typical school night, he delays, procrastinates, and downright fights going to bed. He'll find excuses to pop back up out of bed (have to pee, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, etc.) The main problem is the medication he's on. It kills his appetite, so Jamie doesn't get hungry until between 8 and 9 p.m. That's when, ideally, he should be in bed getting ready to go to sleep. The best solution would be for him to not be on the medication at all. We tried that, though, and it didn't work. Oh, how it soooo did NOT work. So, the next best solution is to make him take the meds earlier so it will wear off earlier. Only problem is, that means he would have to get up earlier, which means he has to go to bed earlier... Which, if you've read the above, you know is going to be a struggle.

However, last night I put my foot down and got his butt in bed by 8:30. This gave him 30 minutes to dither around and pop up a few times to get a drink, get a snack, settle down, etc. He was out like a light by 9 p.m. I woke him up at 6:50. I did notice he didn't snarl at me nearly as badly as he normally does. I'm going to put his butt in bed by 8:30 all this week and see if that improves things.

I also had a long talk with him over the weekend about WHY his behavior has been unacceptable, and why he HAS to be a contributing member of the household. I made several things clear to him, such as the fact that I haven't allowed any of his friends to come over because the house is disgusting and because he's been generally nasty little boy (in both manner and hygiene). I told him that the house won't STOP being disgusting unless he gets off his butt and helps me out, and the friends still won't come over if the demeanor and hygiene don't improve. Furthermore, there will be no Christmas tree or decorations put up until the house is clean (that got his attention!) I reiterated the fact that my work schedule, our church activities, and his extracurricular stuff means I can't keep the house clean all by myself. I also told him that he hasn't gotten any real allowance in a long time because he hasn't been helping. If he wants money, he needs to get off his butt. He pointed out to me that he feels like when we get home I'm either too busy to really sit and listen to him, or I'm on the computer. Okay, I've been guilty of that, I admitted, so I'm going to make sure each night that he has my undivided attention for at least 30 minutes. Whether we use that time to read his book together, to take a walk (now that it's cool enough) or to play a game or whatever.

The school issue (for now) seems to be resolving itself. The threat of being kicked out of his clubs and the magnet program lit a fire under him, and he got all his work caught up. He even worked AHEAD on his reading assignments for this week! He's two assignments ahead, and I'm going to make sure he stays that way so he won't have anything looming over his head next week. They get the whole week off for Thanksgiving, and I'll be getting Wed-Fri off, so I want us to spend some quality time together. We're also going to be doing some cooking, baking and major scrubbing of the house.

I'll be sure to keep y'all informed on how things are going.

Parenting Struggles

Neither Jamie nor I are happy campers right now. In public, he's still the sweet, respectful kid, treating all elders with respect (for the most part). At church, I've been thanked on several occassions for bringing such a "jewel" to Sunday School/church/Wednesday night Bible study, etc. I am glad that he's behaving himself and being a (mostly) good kid and helper.

BUT - at home, OH! at home, he's defiant, obstinate, unhelpful, cantankerous, and every other unpleasant word I can think of! We go round and round on a daily basis about homework, chores, his tone of voice when he speaks to me, his bedtime, his eating. Basically, we argue about everything ALL THE TIME!!!! And I gotta tell ya, I'm sick of it. There are days when I don't even want to speak to him because I know it will just lead to an argument.

Don't get me wrong. I love Jamie. I wouldn't have done half the things I've done to make sure he's fed, clothed, and has a roof over his head if I didn't love him to pieces. I've taken jobs I've hated, I've done things I strenously did not like to do (don't worry, it was legal), I've compromised my principles on more than one occassion, just to make sure he's healthy and provided for. All to be treated like dog poo on his shoe on more than one occassion. What really irks me is that I can't tell him half the things I've done, because I don't want him to know. I don't want him to know the lengths I've gone to keep us from having to live in our car, the things I've done so he would have something to eat, the low paying, degrading jobs I've kept just to be sure I could (barely) afford his medications. I do and have done all those things - for him to act like a snot-nosed brat.

The most insidious thing about it is that he isn't that way all the time. He can go from one moment of absolute sweetness and helpfulness to complete and total sh!thead in 30 seconds flat. It's stunning how he can flip-flop back and forth. And when I call him out on it, I get his standard reply of "well, I'm sorry, but (insert half-brained excuse here)" said in a snotty voice. It drives me up a wall!

Is 11 the new age for parents to dread? When my older sister was little, my mom was warned to watch out for hormones and mulish behavior at 16; based on a popular movie several years ago, "Thirteen" was the age to watch out for. Is 11 the new start of the snot-nosed brat phase?

I'm going to pray about this.... a lot. All this arguing isn't doing either one of us any good. But I need it to stop, because I need him to help me out more around the house. And I need him to go to bed on time and eat when he's supposed to. I also need him to do his homework when he's supposed to. Luckily, he did get a big warning from one of his teachers yesterday. She reminded him that he CAN be kicked out of his clubs and even the magnet program if he doesn't shape up. He worked all night last night getting his homework caught up, and is supposed to turn everything in today. We'll see how that improves his grades.

I'm sorry for this long rant, but I had to pour it out. It felt like it was eating me from the inside. He isn't always horrible. He's still mostly a good kid. It's just that the snottiness is really getting to me. I'll just keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass." It has to, or it will kill me!

I'm Still a Bad, Bad Mommy

It's almost 7:30 p.m. By 8:30 p.m., my son is supposed to be showered, teeth brushed, all 500 medicines taken, school clothes for tomorrow laid out, backpack and shoes lined up neatly by the door, and be in bed waiting for me to tuck him in. There's just one problem - I haven't even fixed dinner yet. I just got done taking my last final of the semester, and prior to that, we had just gotten home from spending the night at my father's house. We didn't get home until almost 6 p.m. Needless to say, I'm exhausted (both mentally and physically), and I have no idea what to give my kid for dinner. Yes, folks, I'm a bad, bad mommy - but one who's glad she doesn't have to even think about school again until Jan. 20!

On Parenting

Sometimes it's hard to be a parent (well, actually, it is pretty hard in myriad ways all the time, but I digress). Aside from discipline, love, play, school, etc., it's hard just knowing when to let go enough to let your kid grow. For example, last night Rachel was sick, I was trying to study for a math exam (ick!) I have this week, and supper needed to be fixed and the kitchen was a total wreck. So, since Jamie has helped on several occassions with the dishes, I decided he was old enough to rinse the dishes and load the dishwasher by himself.

Now, as much as I love my son, he has this really annoying habit of doing something wrong on purpose, asking a million questions about if he did it right, in the hopes that I'll get exasperated and tell him to just move and let me do it. Well, last night it finally dawned on me that letting him get away with that wasn't only making more work for me, but it was also doing him a disservice, as he would grow up expecting somebody else to step in and take over any time he messes up (on purpose or otherwise). So, I squashed my impulse to just step in and do it, and made him finish the job. But it was HARD. He dawdled, hemmed and hawed, water went running all the way down to the other end of the counter, but still, I insisted that he do it.

Then he asked in a whiny voice, "Why do I have to do this?" My reply was that he has to do what I ask him to do because he's old enough to start helping around the house more. I also said that since Rachel and I are both working and going to school, if we're going to have a house that doesn't look like a pigsty, EVERYONE has to pitch in and help. Then he tried to make a smart-butt comment about Destiny not doing the dishes. I replied, no, but she is expected to pick up her toys when she's done playing with them, and put movies back on the shelf after watching them. That helps keep the house clean. All he said was, "Oh." Then he finished loading the dishes in the dishwasher, and I told him how to run it.

I wish I had the luxury of not expecting so much out of him. I wish I didn't always have to put a load of responsibility on his shoulders. However, that's not realistic. Our household right now requires that everyone pitches in. I know, in the long run, this is good for his character, rather than letting him loll around the house all day with no responsibilities. I know several children at his school whose parents don't make them do any chores or have any responsibility, and they are total brats! But still, sometimes I wonder if I'm not taking away from his opportunity to "let the kid be a kid" when I have to expect so much from him. Due to family circumstances, my brother and I didn't really get to be children, we had to be tiny adults. I always swore it would be different for my child(ren).

So, now I'll open the floor to your thoughts and experiences on the subject. Comments anyone?