Having reached the age of 32 (well, one day away, anyway), I can't help but think, "Wait. This is 32? Shouldn't I feel older, wiser, and at least partially like a grown up?" The only difference between the way I feel in my 30's to the way I felt in my late teens and at 20 is that now, in addition to worrying about bills, food, my job, the economy, etc., I now have the worry of "how the heck am I going to support my kid?" Shouldn't someone in her 30's feel a bit more, I don't know,
settled, by now?
I feel like everyone else my age has gotten their crap together by now. They know who they are, what they want to be, most have found a partner in life and have at least some sort of plan for their lives. Me? Well, if I make it successfully through one day without breaking down crying and get half the things done on that particular day that need to be done, well - that's success for me. I kind of feel like Dorothy in the tornado. There's nothing sturdy to hold on to, I don't know where I'm being blown to, and I certainly don't know what's going to happen next. I feel like everything is out of my control.
Part of this is because I've had a totally craptastic couple of weeks down here. Let me give you a recap:
- Last week, instead of getting the raise I was really hoping for and desperately needing, I was instead told that I'm on probation and I'll find out in January if I still have a job.
- I found out my request for an appeal with Jamie's insurance has been denied; which means that starting next month, I have a 923% increase in the copay amounts I have to pay for Jamie's doctor visits and medicines. What was once costing me less than $20 a month will now cost me a little over $200. That's money I don't have, folks.
- I came to the realization that - between soon-to-be-higher medical costs for Jamie and my own bills, there probably won't be any presents at Christmas this year. I know that Christmas isn't about presents, it's about Jesus, and family, and love. But - oh - how it hurts to know I can't give Jamie what he wants this year!
- My roommate informed me she's going back on her agreement with me to share bills and split rent until we're out of school and will be moving out when the lease is up at the end of January. She's going back on her word because she's more broke than I am, which a part of me can understand. However, this puts me in a major bind because -
- I've discovered it may be next to impossible for me to find a place for me and Jamie to live on my income alone. Due to the credit crisis and economic woes, all the rental agencies around here have restructured their income requirements for being able to rent a house. They now require you to have an income at least 4x that of the monthly rent. Even though I'll have school money at the beginning of January to use for a deposit, first month's rent, etc., the rental agencies don't count that as income, so I'm hard pressed to find a place that will even let me rent, much less finding one in a good neighborhood, in good repair, etc.
- Due to the above, and wondering if we'll have enough $$ just to rent a house, I had to break Jamie's heart and tell him we couldn't go back to NYC on spring break to see Uncle Joel like we had been planning on since last November. Jamie really loves Uncle Joel, and was eagerly anticipating seeing him again. But with our finances up in the air so much right now, I just don't see how that trip is going to be possible.
- Dad's being a butt, calling me and harassing me about not coming to see him often enough, then hanging up on me when I answer his questions in ways he doesn't like, and
- I'm failing my Spanish class. I'm so tired, and stressed, and freaking out over everything that I can't concentrate on all my classes. The Spanish is the hardest one for me to absorb, so it's the one that falls out of my head first. I think I'm doing fine, then I go to take the test and bomb. I got a 62 on the first test, and a 55 on the second. It will be a miracle if I can raise the grade up to a C at this point, much less straight A's like I usually have.
However, I keep reminding myself that things are not as bad as they could be. We have a roof over our heads for now. There's still food in the pantry. Although it's uncertain if I'll still have a job in the future, I do still have one for now. Those who have read my last few entries know that God is good, and Tiffany rocks, so Jamie still gets to go on his field trip. In fact, this weekend he's excited about getting to go pick out "yummy never-touched-a-peanut-in-it's-life food" and packing his bags for the trip. Things could be much worse. It's just that, I don't know, I thought that I would have gotten to a point where life was easier by now - I'd know where I was going and how to get there, I wouldn't still be trying to juggle so many balls in the air. Heck, I never expected I'd still be single at this point in my life, either. I guess I took it for granted that I'd have a partner in life by now. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm learning that there really isn't any difference between how you feel in your 30's from how you felt in your teens. And there's no "magic age" when you finally grow up. And just because you have a kid(s), it doesn't mean all of a sudden you have the answers. I think mostly it means you just have more questions.
So, sorry for being such a downer today, folks. I just needed to unload some of this stress, anxiety and what-have-you while ruminating on the status of my "adulthood." I'm not meaning to whine or have a pity party, I just felt like if I didn't get some of it out of my head and down on paper - wait, um... on the computer screen, my head would explode, or at the very least I'd start consuming copious amounts of alcohol. If I ever get it figured out, I'll let you all know. Peace, love, hugs and kisses to you all!
