Monday, June 12, 2006

Okay - I Feel Old!

I used to laugh at people who, once they got home from work, had to be practically dragged out of their homes until they had to go back to work the next morning. I used to think of them as little old men and women, sitting in front of the television, cooking and puttering about in their homes. Now I'm one of them. By the time I get home from work, I'm too pooped out to do anything, unless it's to go swimming at the pool here at my apartment. But we don't even get to that much as the pool keeps getting closed. It seems other residents don't want to follow the pool rules, so management locks the pool gates closed.

Jamie is being babysat by the sons of a friend of mine from church. Despite the fact that they're 16, they insist on calling me "ma'am" and "Ms. Hacker." I can feel my hair turning blue and my cute, sassy 4" heels turning into Hush Puppies every time they open their mouths. If they talk to me for more than three minutes, I can feel my spine curving into an arthritic hunch and my hands curling into claws.

In 4 months and 10 days, I'll be 30. I know, in my mind, that 30 is not anywhere close to being old. But there are old stereotypes that like to stick in your brain, and crawl out your ears and whisper to you in the middle of the night when you're lying awake thinking about the fact that you're fast approaching 30: "spinster" is the first word that immediately comes to mind. Then there's the quaint term "all dried up." There's also the old saying that you're more likely to get struck by lightning than you are to get married over the age of 30. Then there's the fact that I would have thought I would have been married and had another child by the time I was the "big 3-0". I, who used to swear I would never have children, not only have Jamie, but long for more. That's why we got Ziggy when we did - because puppies are cheaper (and a whole lot less trouble to get! LOL) than babies!

But things haven't worked out that way. I keep telling myself that God does things in his own time, but every patience test God has given me, I've failed. I keep trying, and keep praying for patience (and some other thing(s), too), but at what point are you supposed to throw in the towel and say "Okay, obviously God doesn't mean for me to have/be such-and-such", or are you supposed to keep on praying? Someone with some theological chops, answer me please.

In the mean time, I keep repeating to myself Psalm 40:1, Habbakuk 2:3, Romans 8:25 - and a newly discovered personal fave, Lamentations 3:25 "The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him" (NLT). And I also keep thinking about a paraphrase from Song of Solomon, about the heart unready to be wakened. Maybe I'm having to wait because all isn't ready yet. Maybe some other things have to happen first before I can truly appreciate what I find, and before what I seek can be freely given. Maybe it's like Ann's cooking - not only do you have to have the salt and the curry, but you have to add them together at the right time, otherwise it just won't taste right. So please pray for me to have patience, and not to despair while I 'm waiting for God's plan for me to be revealed.

06/13/06 Addendum to post:
I was going to post this as a comment, but it got too long. So I'll just add it as an addendum instead.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Like I said on Ann's blog, the main thing that has me freaked out is something I read in the Old Testament about "don't defile yourself with an unclean/unpure woman." Well, according to the OT, I fit the definition because I had Jamie out of wedlock.

I know God has forgiven me, but would a Christian man, in his heart-of-hearts, ever be able to look at me as a potential partner? Would he ever be able to look at me and see the woman I've become instead of the mistakes I've made? Would he see that I have so much love to give I'm about bursting with it? Would he see that if this is the person God has chosen me to be with, I would do everything in my power to make him happy and to help him? Would he see Jamie as a child so eager to be a man's son that he, too, cries for it at night? Or would he just see a reminder that I'm human and made some bad decisions? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my boy for anything in the world. He literally is the best "mistake" I ever made, I cannot imagine my life without him. I love Jamie so much it's scary! That's part of (but not the whole) reason why I feel so much pressure right now about finding the person God has in mind for me.

When Jamie was little, he used to ask me why he didn't have a daddy like his other friends. This question feels like a dagger in the heart, let me tell you! I told him that any man can be a father, it's simply a matter of nature. But, I said, it takes a very very special man to be a daddy. "And you're such a special, wonderful little boy, that I have to find a special, wonderful man to be your daddy." When he was little, this answer satisfied him. But now, it isn't enough. For Christmas last year, he told me the only present he wanted was a daddy. And I had to tell him I hadn't found him one yet. So, he told me "Hurry up, Mommy. I'm growing up fast!" And at night, when he says his prayers and he thinks I'm not listening, he prays that his mommy finds him a daddy really soon. And my heart breaks just hearing it, because I know that I'm not enough for him. We both feel the absence greatly.

So the question remains: Can a Christian man ever look at me and see who I am? Can he see Jamie as the wonderful, intelligent, precocious little boy that he is? Would he even want to try get to know the real me? Would he want to get to know Jamie? Yes, I know there are many many many Christians who are now part of loving marriages & partnerships who did not come to the marriage bed "pure." But most of those didn't have a living, breathing reminder in the house of those past relationships. And even if some Christian man did see me for who I am, would his family be able to accept me? Or am I forever relegated to the status of "just a friend"?

I know, God has someone out there he has chosen for me; but it's very hard for me to wait. As I said, patience is something I pray for on a daily basis! And we all know (the Bible is full of examples) that we don't always listen when God tells us to do something - and we also don't listen when God tells us NOT to do something. But seeing as how a relationship takes two to tango, I guess I'll just have to wait (and pray, and pray, and pray!)

29 comments:

annalu alulu said...

normally, i wouldn't recommend the 700 club to anybody for any reason, but today there was a little lesson on why prayers are sometimes unanswered. he gave 5 good reasons. (anybody who's cool badmouths pat robertson, but daniel loves the 700 club, and i appreciate it that they sometimes stand up for Jesus...and i like the two women on the show) so, you might drag your tired ol' butt to the computer (duh, guess that's where you are) and look up the unanswered prayer stuff on cbn.com. old people like the 700 club. warm yourself up some soup and have a ball.

annalu alulu said...

no, i take that back, i would recommend it for some reasons to some people, but normally, i wouldn't recommend it...don't think i ever have before...

Tooz said...

God chooses strange ways to speak to us, doesn't He? I can understand when He sends His messages in His word, but through the computer, the 700 Club? and not because YOU listened to it, but because someone else listened to it and told you about it. That's one way this blogging works, I think--sometimes God gives us a message we need to pass on to others, and sometimes others have messages for us! We will pray for you. Love you.

annalu alulu said...

go to cbn.com, click on "more from the 700 club," then there it is--"pat robertson on unanswered prayer".

Jenn Hacker said...

I'll have to watch it when I get home. I would just read a transcript, but I couldn't find one.

Jenn Hacker said...

I've added an addendum to my post to address what would have been a comment, but it got too long and drawn out. Sorry to keep going on at you guys!

Hugs and love to you all!

annalu alulu said...

1. wrong time (like, jews prayed for the messiah to come for a loooonnng time before Jesus came at the right time)
2. you are not ready (have some important things to go through before it happens so that it will be better when it does happen, and in the case of marriage, one partner might be positive they're ready and wonder what's taking God so long, and He's actually still working on making the other one ready...)
3. answer will hurt (which is why not everybody wins the lottery, maybe, because maybe that much money would hurt their life)
4. there is something better for you (you might be praying for one thing you've seen that you think is perfect, but God actually has something better around the corner that He wants to give you)
5. heaven is better (like, when we pray for people not to die, but God knows it's best for them to go to Heaven in that case...though of course sometimes He decides to heal them, depends on the circumstances)

annalu alulu said...

i watched it yesterday, i promise i didn't memorize it--i just watched it again without sound, where he wrote on a marker board (and got really worn out...it was pretty funny), and tried to remember the examples he used for each number, or some i thought were better ha ha get it?

Jenn Hacker said...

Yes, I get it. Thank you Annie! Sorry I'm so thickheaded today. I feel better now!

Love hugs and sugars!

Everett said...

Check out Luke 18:1-8 and also Luke 11:5-8. Keep pressing the Lord. He seems to like for people to persevere even in asking for stuff. Tell him that if he wants something else for you then he'll need to change your desires.
Regarding the unclean woman thing there are probably Christian men who will think that way just as there are non-Christian men who won't want to marry a woman with a kid. To the extent that they feel that way it's a sign that they don't understand grace. I believe there are plenty of us who do understand that what's past is past and who will see that you're a fine woman and Jamethan's a great kid, so don't give up hope on that score

Jenn Hacker said...

Thank you, Everett. I'll keep on knocking!

Lydia said...

Don't quit now! 30 is YOUNG!!! My good friend at work didn't get married until she was 32--actually I have two good friends that waited that long. One had kids right away after getting married, the other didn't have her's until she was 37! So, its not too late. I know some single men over the age of 30 who haven't given up hope on that special someone coming their way. Keep praying for sure. Afterall, isn't God our loving father who knows whats best for us and knows the desires of our heart? Don't you think he wants to give you something good? Maybe he just hasn't gotten that man to where he wants him to be yet. Keep praying, Jenn! And in the meantime, 30 is young--and I've heard it said that women over the age of 30 are way sexier than those who haven't reached it yet. So there!!

Lydia said...

I just caught something really important here. Its not your sole responsibility to find Jamie a daddy. Yes,you definitely have a say, but he really needs to just tell God how much he wants a Daddy and understand that God is his HEAVENLY Daddy. God wants his children to be happy and feel loved and I believe He wants Jamie to have a daddy more than you do. So, maybe he needs to ask God to HELP you find him a Daddy instead of telling you to hurry up and find him one. Maybe he should ask God to send his chosen Daddy to you so you can get to know him and fall in love. I don't know, but I know its not all on you.

Jenn Hacker said...

Yes, Lydia, I know 30 is still young - but it's a milestone of sorts in one's life. 30 is the age at which you are supposedly finally mature, almost like your 20s is supposedly to just be practice for being an adult, and 30 is when you're supposed to be adult and do all those adult type things.

And, yes, Bubby (Joel), I realize that the 30-benchmark is something put upon us by society, it's still there, and it still is freaking me out a bit. But once I get past Oct. 22, I'll accept it. It's kind of like dreading having to do something, but once it's finally there and over with, it isn't so bad after all. So once my b-day has come and gone, I guess I'll be all right.

And thank you, Lydia. Next time Jamie brings up the D-word, I'll talk with him about what you said. It's good advice!

Hugs to you all!

Suze said...

wow, i wouldn't recommend the 700 club to anyone, but i guess i'm just not on that page. anyway, read anne lamott...i know i've said it before, but her stuff is really wonderful. not that there's specific advice for finding yourself a man, but i think you'll find it reassuring.

Suze said...

oh, and one more thing. i think you need to let go of your guilt. (here i go dispensing unsolicited advice...you can just take it or leave it.) anyway, i believe we're all human, and make human mistakes. you're no different, no worse or better than anyone else. i also believe that a lot of american christians are obsessed with sexual morality (like pat robertson...sorry to those of you who are 700 club fans) and they just need to chill out. not like i'm a big swinger myself or anything. i think that even if you believe your relationship with jamie's father was "evil" (as i think you referred to it in an earlier post), Jamie is still here because of an act of love. remember that.

OK, i hope i didn't just alienate myself from your faithful readers! just putting my opinions out there :)

Jenn Hacker said...

Thank you, Suze! And no, you didn't alienate yourself. We all love ya and we know we're all entitled to our own opinions.

And I'll definitely read those Ann Lamott books you recommended (my church library doesn't have any, so I have to find the books Jamie lost so I can check something out of the public library)!

Anonymous said...

Get thee to the library--and just go ahead and pay for the books he lost. When he finds them, most libraries refund your money. Love you.

annalu alulu said...

yeah, that was my mom. she doesn't know hte "other" button yet. she's at our apartment and doesn't remember her password. anyway, suzy, like i said, i wouldn't recommend it usually, either, but i thought it fit, and i like ann lamott way better than pat robertson, and some christians are retarted about sin (like, adultery is better than homosexuality, and weird twisted logic like that), (but i dont think sex is always an act of love, even if it's consentual). anyway, i thought you were stuck in a prarie home companion theater or something, so i'm glad you're back, too!

Jenn Hacker said...

Okay, I went to the SA public library website and placed a "hold" on both Plan B and Traveling Mercies. So as soon as they come in, I'll check them out and read them. Thank you all for the suggestions. And I promise I won't mention any of this stuff again (but it sure did get you guys talking! Wowza!)

Suze said...

prairie home companion theatre? i don't get it, ann...oh, and i'm glad to hear you're not a huge pat robertson fan. anyone who recommends the assassination of a democratically elected head of state is just a little tweaked, if you ask me :)

Jenn Hacker said...

Ann, I hope your mom is staying the night with you and Daniel, and not going to try to drive back late by herself tonight. I worry about Momma Tooz!

Love ya!

And, Suze, I agree about the whole "a little tweaked" thing! He can be kind of scary sometimes, but God can even use scary people to deliver His message sometimes!

Jenn Hacker said...

Oh, and I was flipping through the channels tonight while I waited for the headache meds to kick in, and I caught the tail end of a show that had Joyce Meyer on it. I thought it was funny, because she was warning against what she calls "stinkin' thinkin'", when we get to thinking really negatively about ourselves or others. I just thought it was neat.

Lydia said...

Whoever said 30 is the age you're finally mature is a liar. I've past it and have yet to find maturity anywhere on my journey. And have you ever watched an episode of friends? Yes, I know its T.V...but still!

annalu alulu said...

isn't prairie home companion that movie that just came out, and didn't it have something to do with wisconsin? whatever. anyway, i never really got into joyce meyer. i don't get her. but i've been reading "stinkin thinkin" in something lately and i can't remember what...

Suze said...

the prairie home companion movie takes place in minnesota, eh? it was filmed in st. paul. i have a friend who lives there and was very amused at all the hubbub created over linsday lohan and the like.

Jenn Hacker said...

Got an e-mail from the library today - both the Ann Lamott books I requested are ready for me to come pick up. So I'll read them.

Jenn Hacker said...

Got both books last night. Talked to Becky for a little over 2.25 hours (that was great!). Got off the phone at 11:40 p.m. and read Traveling Mercies until about 1:30 a.m. Couldn't put it down! I'll probably finish it on my lunch break today. Then I'll start on Plan B.

Suze said...

so glad you like the ann lamott book(s), jenn. i'd feel a little silly recommending them if you didn't!