Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I just got the news at work that they are going to train us all in several different departments so as to be able to keep us around longer. I don’t have a definitive date on when/if we will be let go, but at least they are trying to keep us on longer. I will post more when I know it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I will try to get my stuff straightened out so I can write a nice, long post about everything. But it won't be tonight.
Missing you all.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
By the time he was in late elementary school, the occasional poem would pop up and even less frequently, I would have time to stop what I was doing and write it down or type it. Sometimes I posted them to my blog.
In the last year or so, something has happened. Those dried up words, the ones I despaired of ever coming back to the cracked earth that my creative wordy mind had turned into, started raining down again.
Last fall, I wrote a novel. Right now I'm polishing it up to see if I can get it published. Since then, I have composed dozens of poems, either posted to this site or used in my classroom. Yes, I share my personal writings with my students (within reason, of course). A while back, I started a second novel, this one in the Young Adult genre.
Now, I had intended to sit down and work on either editing the old novel or adding to the new one tonight. But when I sat down at my computer and started typing, something else came out entirely - almost fully formed, coming so fast my fingers and mind can't keep up, my body is desperate for sleep but the story won't let me go. It will be my third novel begun in almost two years, the second novel in just a few weeks.
I hope this drenching rain of words keeps up. I hope I don't get bogged down with having too many stories going at once. I hope I don't fizzle out and all the stories wind up sounding the same. The topics addressed are very different, but still, it could happen if I'm not careful.
But even if they do wind up sounding the same, even if I never get a single word published anyone, I am so grateful this has happened. I never realized how dead I had felt inside, how much I felt I had submerged myself into the persona of "caretaker", until the dam burst and my words poured forth again. Is this something that happens to other people? Do you get so bogged down in the day to day "stuff" that the person you are just gets buried underneath the minutia that comprises your life? Have you experienced this sudden release - where suddenly, out of nowhere, the "you" that you used to know comes back to you? Please, drop me a note in the comments and let me know your thoughts.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
To catch you up, I am now on summer break, but not really, because I am taking two content area classes and finishing up my portfolio. The aforementioned student teaching with three different lesson plans a day (UGH!) was too much to pile on top of school work. So something had to give. Now I will graduate in August. At the beginning of August, to be precise. And the new teaching year starts a couple of weeks later. I think I should have all my ducks in a row before hiring begins. But if it doesn't happen, I have a back up plan. I have applied to substitute teach next year. So there's that to rely on. Also, this summer I am trying hard to not hold down a full-time job. Instead, I borrowed money up to my ears so that I can stay home and treat my classwork as though it were a job, with a schedule and everything. So far, I'm doing okay treating it that way.
Here's the schedule. I know the pic is hard to see. Sorry about that!
Jamie is gone during the day taking one of his high school courses (!!!!) over the summer so that he has more room in his schedule. He and several of his friends got accepted to a magnet program that focuses on Engineering and Technology. He's more interested in the technology part. Anyway, in this program, they have several required courses on top of the courses needed to graduate, plus they have to take extra math and science classes so that they the Distinguished diploma. So, not enough class periods in the day to get all requirements. Hence, taking a class in the summer. Jamie may have to take other summer school classes in subsequent years, as well.
Speaking of Jamie, here are some gratuitous pics to show you how much he has grown. He is now my height and his feet are about three or four sizes bigger!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Of all the things you ever said
Ever tried or never did
I think the one that hurt the worst
Was the day you cursed my birth.
I tried hard not to let it show
Kept the anger simmering low,
But all the while I screamed inside
“Was I the one you wished had died?”
Now you’re gone I cannot ask
But still I turn back to the past
And wondered if all this was true
Every time you said, “love you.”
Somehow, I think the school district would frown on me sharing this with my students. What do you think, too heavy for the average 7th grader?
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I put this up the other night, then promptly took it down the next day. Now I'm putting it back up again with the tag "rheumatoid arthritis" with the hopes that other people looking for answers about this sucky condition may find me. And for the record, there's no such thing as being "too young" to get RA. Don't ever let a specialist tell you, "Well, all your symptoms point to RA, but you're too young, so it can't be that...." And especially don't let them pat you on the head and tell you that there's nothing wrong with you, that you must just be "more sensitive to pain than other people" and try to push you out the door with a prescription for some stupid narcotic pain pill. INSIST that diagnostic tests be done. If that doctor won't do them, go to another doctor who will. Fire your rheumatologist if he starts acting like a misogynistic a-hole, and go get one who will actually listen to you. I did.
I know it has been a very long time since I have posted on here. There are so many things to say, and not enough words to say them with, and sometimes not enough energy to even turn on the computer to post. I'm trying to stay positive, and I have moments where I can pretend, and smile and act as though I'm not questioning - asking "But why? What did I do? WHY?". Perhaps this is why I have not posted lately.
I have this horrible tendency to cry if I talk about the things that are bothering me. Something terrible can happen, or I can be in the darkest pit ever, but so long as no one asks me to speak of it, I will not cry. But if I open my mouth and begin to speak the words, to give form to that which is hurting me, or frightens me, or makes me sad or angry, I weep. So I tend to try to avoid talking about the things that are truly and deeply upsetting me. But sometimes, I have to let it out, lest I go mad.
Much the same with writing. If I speak it or write it, then it become real. I can no longer ignore it, belittle it or wish it away. With each word spoken or written, it grows - lifting off the page or through my voice to plague my life and ensure that I most probably will never be the same again.
Jamie will never be the same again.
With each day that passes, I'm losing more and more mobility. I can no longer run or dance; in reality, I haven't been able to run in years, nor to dance in months. But there again, I've been ignoring that little reality for a long time. Heck, I can't even bowl - walking up to the lane properly is beyond my capability now. I wake up in the mornings barely able to move. I often accidentally break things because they slip out of my hands. A lot of times, I can't feel my fingers completely, so I don't realize I've lost my grip on things until they've fallen and shattered. I'm exhausted by such simple tasks as walking down the hall to retrieve a stack of papers from the work room.
My house looks like a pig sty because I can't keep it clean and Jamie has a ton of homework to do without being expected to keep the house clean, too.
I feel like my life, like my body, is falling apart. And yes, I know I sound like a spoiled little girl, whining at her parent, but all I can keep asking is, "Why? What did I do wrong?"
I said it was depressing. I'm sorry. Like I said, I can pretend for so long, but then there comes a point where I have to talk about it or write about it or else I will break completely. And I've been so good about cutting myself off from everyone over the years that writing about the things that are upsetting me is just about the only outlet I have. I have to let it out somewhere so I can continue to be strong for Jamie. He's upset enough by all this without me showing him how completely freaked out I am by my inability to do things the average two year-old has no problem doing.