On Writing (More)

When I became pregnant with my son, my words dried up. Once he was born, I was too exhausted, busy, frazzled, any one of a million emotions moms go through, to be able to put pen to paper. I didn't even have any ideas anymore.

By the time he was in late elementary school, the occasional poem would pop up and even less frequently, I would have time to stop what I was doing and write it down or type it. Sometimes I posted them to my blog.

In the last year or so, something has happened. Those dried up words, the ones I despaired of ever coming back to the cracked earth that my creative wordy mind had turned into, started raining down again.

Last fall, I wrote a novel. Right now I'm polishing it up to see if I can get it published. Since then, I have composed dozens of poems, either posted to this site or used in my classroom. Yes, I share my personal writings with my students (within reason, of course). A while back, I started a second novel, this one in the Young Adult genre.

Now, I had intended to sit down and work on either editing the old novel or adding to the new one tonight. But when I sat down at my computer and started typing, something else came out entirely - almost fully formed, coming so fast my fingers and mind can't keep up, my body is desperate for sleep but the story won't let me go. It will be my third novel begun in almost two years, the second novel in just a few weeks.

I hope this drenching rain of words keeps up. I hope I don't get bogged down with having too many stories going at once. I hope I don't fizzle out and all the stories wind up sounding the same. The topics addressed are very different, but still, it could happen if I'm not careful.

But even if they do wind up sounding the same, even if I never get a single word published anyone, I am so grateful this has happened. I never realized how dead I had felt inside, how much I felt I had submerged myself into the persona of "caretaker", until the dam burst and my words poured forth again. Is this something that happens to other people? Do you get so bogged down in the day to day "stuff" that the person you are just gets buried underneath the minutia that comprises your life? Have you experienced this sudden release - where suddenly, out of nowhere, the "you" that you used to know comes back to you? Please, drop me a note in the comments and let me know your thoughts.

The Things I Do for My Kid

(10-16-2009: See update at end of post)

It's almost 11 PM on a school/work night. I have to get up at 5:45 AM so I can get ready for work early before I have to take J and the other kids in the carpool group to school for a 7:30 AM orchestra rehearsal . (I'm so thankful this is only in the couple of weeks leading up to concerts. I'd murder someone if I had to do this every stinking week!) I haven't been sleeping well in the last couple of weeks. Wake up in the middle of the night for no reason and simply cannot go back to sleep. This means I'm cranky and sleep deprived at ALL TIMES.

So, you ask, why are you still up at almost 11 PM on a school/work night when you know you have to get up early in the morning and already are not sleeping well?

Because at 10 minutes before 10, J came running to me and said, "Mom, I have to give a speech on Einstein tomorrow (he picked the topic) and I'm supposed to have a visual aid. So I made a timeline with a picture. But I was having trouble with the printer (I should note here that it's a cantankerous b-witch), so I didn't get it done. And I forgot to ask you about it before we went to church tonight. So I won't do it. It won't affect my grade.... too much. I just didn't want you to yell at me when you saw my grades." (I can see them online as soon as the teacher inputs them) .

Me: [Sigh] Did you save your timeline?
J: Yes, it's on my thumb drive.
Me: Gimme.
J: Huh?
Me: Give me your thumb drive so I can fix the printer issue and print it out for you while you hurry up and go to bed.
J: Huh?
Me: Okay, word of advice. When Mom is cranky, tired and in a generally bad mood, it is NOT a good idea to make her repeat herself when she offers to do something super-duper nice for you.
J: Huh?
Me: GIMME THE DAMN THUMB DRIVE AND GO TO BED!
J: Oh, right! Thanks!
Me: [muttering under her breath about ungrateful kids and sleep deprivation. Cackling evilly to herself at the thought of what he'll have to put up with one day when he has kid(s) of his own]
J: [runs up behind me and squeezes me around the middle in a big hug] Why do I get the feeling I owe you big-time for this?
Me: Because you do... And you will... FOREVER.

UPDATE: After all the crap I went through, staying up until way past I wanted to, HE DIDN'T EVEN USE THE HANDOUT! Class was rushed trying to get everyone' speech done, so he claimed he didn't have time to pass them out. I told him he darn good and well better hand them out today (10-16-09) in class and make sure his teacher gets one. I also said that he will never, ever get any help from me ever again when he tells me about a problem at the last minute. He has known about this speech and the requirements for three weeks. He could have told me at any time prior that he was having problems. But he didn't. He waited until the last minute. So, unless he comes to me with a problem at least two days in advance, he's not getting my help. Now, this statement will be modified in cases of true emergency - such as computer crashing at last minute, etc. etc. But for something that he had known for several days he was having trouble with, he will get no help. It's time he started figuring out consequences of waiting until the last minute. Then again, Momma is a major procrastinator, but it works for me. It isn't working for him.

I Don't Really Have the Money....But I'm Doing it Anyway

This week, the Barnum & Bailey Circus is in town. Jamien has NEVER been to the circus. Ever. For four years, he has begged and pleaded with me to take him to the circus. But I've never had the money. This year, I still really can't afford it, but I'm taking him anyway, for many reasons.

• A childhood without any circuses in it seems pretty sad to me.
• He's 11. It won't be too long before he thinks he's either a) too old to go to the circus; or b) too COOL to go to the circus.
• I've been promising for years, and have never been able to keep my word. It's a shame when you have to break a promise to a child - even when the promise was sincerely meant when you originally made it. I'm tired of breaking promises to my child.
• This would be a fantastic way for us to kick off some awesome mommy-son time. He hasn't gotten much of that lately, and it's showing in his attitude, behavior, and general demeanor; and
• Dangit! I want to go to the circus, too! I'm tired of trudging home from work just to start studying, or doing housework, or hearing him whine that I don't spend any time with him and that he's "ssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooo stinking boooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddd!". Maybe I want to be a kid again, too, even if it's just for one stinkin' night. I want to feel wonder and amazement again, instead of walking through life in a cloud of have-tos, need-tos and shoulds.

So that's why I'm taking the $80 that should go toward some bills, and going to the circus. I need to live a little before I absolutely go stinkin' insane!

My Apologies

I've been remiss in my duty to post. Just chalk it up to the start of school and three very difficult, labor intensive classes this semester:

• Criminological Theory
• Constitutional Law
• Texas Politics

The only reason why I'm taking the last one is it's a required course for all undergrads. Bleuch!

To bring you all up to date, Jamie had a fantastic birthday, complete with 18 little guests all running around the bounce house place like little maniacs. Also, Jamie and Destiny absolutely LOVE Animaniacs, and at any moment will bust out with "Good night, everybody!" and once even (from Destiny) "Hellooooooooooooo, Nurse!". It was great! They constantly barrage me with demands to watch 'Maniacs (as Destiny calls it), a request which I am very happy to oblige. Jamie told me the other day that I act a lot like Slappy Squirrel. I take that as a compliment!

Much love to all. The main thing that will get me through this semester, I suspect, is the knowledge that - come December 13, 2008 - I will be a college graduate. That is - if all this doesn't kill me first!

Big hugs and lots of love to everyone who wanders here.

Picture Page!

Jamie and I saw "Meet the Robinsons" in 3-D Friday night. The advert for the new Simpsons movie was lifesized. Jamie hopped up there so I could take a quick picture.



Jamie's end-of-season soccer party was at a place called Incredible's Pizza. It's about 10 times bigger (and better) than Gattitown. As you can see, it had indoor formula 1 race cars to ride. Destiny and I shared one in the next race.


Last but not least, here are some pictures of the kids I snapped in the backyard the other day. Destiny is showing off for the camera, of course.