WARNING: Deep thoughts (or at least the possibily of some deep poo) contained herein.
In his last post, Everett quoted the following verse:
"The highway of the upright turns aside from evil
Whoever guards his way preserves his life" Prov. 16:17 (ESV)
This lead me to wonder - how does one guard against the evil that lurks, unseen, in others until after they have already insinuated themselves into one's life? And how does one guard against the evil that lurks inside his/her own nature? Furthermore, how does one know if one is not the catalyst for evil in another's life? The person may not be evil in and of him/herself, but could that person bring about the entree of evil into another person's life?
It is no secret that I have a fairly (okay, very) negative view about myself and some of the choices I have made in my life. I've done some pretty stupid things and am still paying the price of some of them. Yes, Jamie is a consequence of some of my stupidity. While I do consider him a burden in some ways, he is a joyful burden. My life would be so much easier had I not made the choices which led to his being and my decision to raise him on my own; however, my life would also be much emptier and would not have any meaning whatsoever. In fact, I've often said that without Jamie, I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. (I'm not saying that to be melodramatic or whatever, I'm merely stating a fact.) Therefore, while the introduction of his biological father into my life and the type of relationship we had was essentially evil, great good came of it. Can then the reverse be true? Could I unintentionally bring evil to a good person?
This begs a further question: Do I have the right to even put myself on the same level as said good, Godly person? (By Godly, I mean one who has a true relationship with God, and doesn't just quote the Bible, but tries to live it). My friend Kendra and I were having a conversation while I was in Kentucky. I asked if I had the right to desire the same kind of life as a person who has not messed up in life as badly as I have. She responded that once were beg God's forgiveness, that we are then white as snow. We have no past, we only have our present and future. That old person is gone and is replaced by God's child, who should seek Him and walk in His footsteps. My head understands this, but my heart still feels I don't have the right to His forgiveness. I feel inferior; I'm rhinestones, while those who haven't stumbled so close to the edge are diamonds. I seek relationships with Godly people who will help guide me on His path, not off into the brambles and briars where I used to tread. But I can't help but wonder if I am worthy of their attentions. Could I, instead of learning from them, unintentionally be a bad influence? And when/if I ever get into a relationship, do I have the right to pursue a Godly man?
I'm still learning about Christ. I want a deeper relationship with Him, I want to walk the path God set out for me before I was born. I feel there is so much more to me, and this life, than what I have previously experienced. But I wonder if I really deserve it.