Friday, July 24, 2009

Absence From His Grave

One of my relatives has been sending me e-mails asking me to send pictures of Dad’s gravestone.  I’ll be happy to oblige, once I actually go visit his grave.  I keep meaning to go but just can’t bring myself to do it.  I’m still very angry with him for so many, many things: the way he treated his children, the way he treated my mother, DEFINITELY some of the things he did and said to my son.  Most of all, I’m angry with him for not going to get the tests he was told repeatedly to get! No fewer than four doctors stressed urgently he needed to get the mass in his neck looked at because it could be cancer.  Did he go? Nope.  He found excuses and blustered and fussed and failed to keep his appointments each time.  I’m also angry at him for leaving a huge mess behind for me and my brother to clean up.  Typical Dad, leave the sh!t for someone else to clean up.  I’m angry about the lies he told everyone, the times he wasn’t there, basically a lifetime of betrayals, in several different forms.  So I haven’t worked myself up to be able to go to his grave yet.  Not because I’m horrendously sad, like I was when Mom died.  More because I know I’ll wind up getting arrested if I start defacing a tombstone in a National Cemetery – even if it does belong to my father.  I’ve learned over the past several months that just because he’s dead doesn’t mean my anger went away. 


AnnaMarie said...


Tooz said...

So which stage of grief is anger? I used to know that stuff.

Becca said...

Second, I think? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance--is that the right order?

Jamie Roberts said...

yep..that would be the right order Beck. But most people don't go through one at a time...some people hit a couple at once and others get to a stage and backtrack into the anger phase. All of these are normal feelings to have, Jen. And it's ok to feel pissed!! Especially with all you have had to deal with over the course of his health. I don't think i ever hit the denial phase, but I sure did live in the anger stage for quite a while-just ask my mom, unfortunately she got the brunt of it. I went through the stages while my dad was still here, so that when he was gone, i nosedived into depression. Bottom line is, deal with things at your pace, not your relatives. They don't know what you went through, only you know that. If they want a picture so bad, tell them to take a road trip cause you aren't ready to go there yet. You may never want to go there. His spirit isn't there anyway, so defacing a stone would be the same as going into your front yard and hitting a tree. I've yet to understand the importance of visiting a rock yard with gates--maybe someone can explain that to me. My dad is still with me in my heart and my memories-he's not in Nicholasville just cause there is a stone with his name on it.

Jamie Roberts said...

another thought just occurred to me....someone told me one time that people only hurt you because you let them. to be blunt about it..he's dead. he doesn't feel anything at all. he's not angry, sad, remorseful, or even in pain. it's doesn't bother him a bit right now if you are overcome with grief cause he's gone or with anger, or dancing on his grave in happiness. but you are still continuing to let him get to you. you let him make you angry. take control of the feelings and realize that you don't have to deal with the comments or snubs. you are free.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

i try to go by this when dealing with roy. kind of the old saying "kill them with kindness"

another thing to consider...i regrettably don't remember your mom very much cause i wasn't around her very often, but would she want you to let him get to you this way? you wrote another blog about your sister watching over you and saying to ignore your dad cause he's being stupid...just ignore it and let it go.

sorry to go on about this...speaking from the heart and hopefully not hurting feelings along the way...take care and i'll be praying for your comfort in this.


Becca said...

And now, all y'all know why I always say Jamie is the smart one.