Tuesday, March 10, 2009

At the End of a Long, Stressful Day, Do Not...

At the end of a long, stressful day, in which legal problems almost arose, the lawyer you'd already paid too much admits he doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground, and you vehemently wished the whole world in hell (and the opportunity to dig your da up just to spit on him and bury him again), do not... I repeat, DO NOT:

  1. Walk in from work and glug down half of a huge bottle of wine you'd bought to use for making that awesome shrimp scampi recipe you'd come up with (especially not on an empty stomach);
  2. Turn the a/c temp control back up near 80 because you figure you're not going to have any extra money for electric bills or whatnot after you get done paying off all your da's creditors;
  3. Start cooking said shrimp scampi, with the heat from the stove adding to the humidity and general misery in the house;
  4. Nibble on the (cooked) shrimp while you're making the dinner;
  5. Glug more wine;
  6. Get so mad about everything that you start crying, producing a veritable snot factory to compete with the mucus already being produced due to allergy season.
So, we have heat, alcohol, seafood, and snot. Mix those ingredients for a while, and you wind up yakking a pile on the floor that looks oddly a lot like Fancy Feast - Seafood Feast variety.

Jamie walks in from playing:

"OMG, Mom, what happened? Are you okay? Are you sick?"

- No baby, the cat got sick on the rug, that's all.

"Ummmm... Mom? We don't have a cat.

(a beat)

"Have you been drinking?"


Steph said...

I'm sorry that Groovy Dave shat and called it a lawyer.

If it's any consolation, I am handling my own shitstorm (which is nothing compared to yours, frankly) with much the same tools, minus the shrimp (I'm allergic). I'm slamming a beer as I write.

If you need to borrow a cat to blame the wine barf on, let me know. Mine puke all the time, so you'd have a good cover.

Jenn-Jenn, the Mother Hen said...

Since what you're handling has to do with plumbing, sounds like you're literally dealing with a shitstorm. Sorry, couldn't resist the pun. I'd lurve to borrow a kitty; unfortunately, I'm allergic. Plus, it's really fun to confuse the hell out of my kid. :-)

Strangeite said...

It is fun confusing the children. I would say that it has become my main hobby.

Animal said...

Jenn, in spite of the tumultuous circumstances behind this post, I found it hilarious, which I hope wasn't out of line of me. I especially liked the comedic *beat* that Jamie had to wait before asking you if you'd been drinking.

(As if a pile of alcohol-induced vomit doesn't smell exactly LIKE that.)

Be well.

Jenn-Jenn, the Mother Hen said...

Not out of line one bit. I'm glad you found it amusing. That was, actually, my intention. One of my "survival techniques" of single parentdom is turning the crappiest, unfunniest events into something that will at least get a chuckle. Makes me feel less stressed about it if I can laugh about it later. Mwah! Kisses to you all, I'm here all week!

Suze said...

Jenn, you are hilarious. you really are.

And I hope this crappy situation resolves itself.