Sunday, October 15, 2006

Repeating Patterns

I hate to use my blog to whine, but I have to get this off my chest. Dear, Darlin' Father is at it again. He's back to his usual tricks of basically showing me how insignificant and unimportant I am. I was babysitting Destiny yesterday, so Dad had offered to come up here to visit. He specifically told me to call him around noon to see what the game plan was. I did, and got no answer. So I left him a message on his answering machine. He never called me back.

So, at around 2 o'clock I called again. His phone only rang twice before the answering machine kicked on, so I figured he hadn't gotten my message yet. I left him another message telling him to call me when he got in. He never called me back.

So, this morning I called again at around 9 a.m. The phone rang four times, so I know he got my previous messages. I left him another message asking him to call me and that I wasn't driving down there until I heard from him. It's been 2.5 hours, and no call back. He's back to his old patterns again.

See, my birthday is next week. Dad has this "lovely" habit of inventing reasons to be mad at people on their birthdays and major holidays - that way he doesn't have to get them anything (not even a card - which is all I want anyway!) and he gets the double joy of proving to them how insignificant and unimportant he views them to be. He's showing me how worthless I am in his eyes because 1) I'm female, and 2) I didn't grow up to be the person he had declared I had to be. And even though I know what he's doing, it hurts very much. I feel so tiny and unloved right now, and this is even with knowing what he's doing. I know I shouldn't be hurt by it, but I am. And there's such a big part of me that's angry. Angry that Mom, the one who loved me no matter what I did or who I was, is gone. And Dad, who hates everyone and everything and is such a huge ball of poison, is still here. I know I shouldn't be angry, I should be happy that Mom is at peace now and in no more pain. And I know it's selfish of me to wish she was still here. And yes, I realize that it's a great big sin to wish my father was dead - but there it is. And here I am, and now I need to go calm down so I can put on a happy face for my boy. But one thing is for damn sure right now - I will NEVER make my son as miserable as my father has made all of us.

Big hugs and lots of love for my adopted "family" out there. You've given me more love and support than you'll ever know. Love to you all.

6 comments:

Tooz said...

Jenn, don't let him do this to you. You are a wonderful, remarkable, woman who can do many, many things--very strong, very independent, not at all needy. We all love you, and I admire you for the great person you are turning out to be.

If it helps to give Dad an excuse, just pretend he is in New Guinea or the Amazon jungle or some other wilderness with no access to any means of communication. For really, that's where he is, only it's a world he's created for himself. And you don't need to go there. Just give him some time and let him come back when he gets over his journey.

If I were a psychoanalyst, I would say that refusing to accept you for what you are allows him to not have to accept himself for what he is, either. He's not doing this to you because of what you've done or haven't done, but because of his own faults. Just leave it there. When he's over it, he'll come back, and knowing you for the loving daughter you are, you'll be glad to see him.

Just remember we love you and are proud of you.

Becca said...

Tooz is very wise. Heed well what she says.

Jenn Hacker said...

Thank you both for reminding me not to pay attention to the temper tantrums of little children! LOL! I'm in a much better mood today than I was yesterday. The beginning stages of a migraine (and the inherent grogginess caused by migraine meds), yucky rainy weather, and a rambunctious little boy - when combined with a cranky father throwing his bi-annual temper tantrum - made a poor combination yesterday! But the sun is back out today (for a little while) and it's payday (first check with the raise included), so I'm feeling much more like myself. But thank you both so much for not kicking my butt for whining! Love you both!

Joel said...

Well, he's been "mad" at me for going on 8 years now. Maybe longer. Same reasons. I'm not who he decided I was "supposed" to be (i.e. just like him). It doesn't bother me, though; on the rare occasions that we were on speaking terms humouring his racist and sexist attitudes was far more taxing than his less-than-sparkling company was worth. Not to mention having to pre-think every sentence I'd say twice before saying them to check for possible paranoia/temper-tantrum triggers.

Just try not to stress about it, sis. Look at it this way: when he's being like this it's better for both you and Jamie not to have to deal with him.

Jenn Hacker said...

I know Bubby, and you're right. Jamie and I are better off not around him right now. It's actually a relief to my pocketbook and sanity to not have to drive all that way down there and all the way back, plus Jamie's stress levels around Papaw. But still, it's sad that he's such a butt and doesn't even realize that HE'S the one missing out with Jamethan, not the other way around. Love you guys! And love you, Joel!

annalu alulu said...

I wish your mommy were alive, too, but I'd say be thankful for the memories (which I know you are) and think on her--the Bible says to think on whatever is lovely. Your mommy is lovely. The memory of her is lovely, so it's fine to think about that (and it's not at all selfish!!). And I better email the rest.

Anyway, you really can claim my parents as family. I think the Meadors actually do forget sometimes that you don't officially carry our genes. Sometimes it's good to be dingy. You should try it, in this case.