I hate to use my blog to whine, but I have to get this off my chest. Dear, Darlin' Father is at it again. He's back to his usual tricks of basically showing me how insignificant and unimportant I am. I was babysitting Destiny yesterday, so Dad had offered to come up here to visit. He specifically told me to call him around noon to see what the game plan was. I did, and got no answer. So I left him a message on his answering machine. He never called me back.
So, at around 2 o'clock I called again. His phone only rang twice before the answering machine kicked on, so I figured he hadn't gotten my message yet. I left him another message telling him to call me when he got in. He never called me back.
So, this morning I called again at around 9 a.m. The phone rang four times, so I know he got my previous messages. I left him another message asking him to call me and that I wasn't driving down there until I heard from him. It's been 2.5 hours, and no call back. He's back to his old patterns again.
See, my birthday is next week. Dad has this "lovely" habit of inventing reasons to be mad at people on their birthdays and major holidays - that way he doesn't have to get them anything (not even a card - which is all I want anyway!) and he gets the double joy of proving to them how insignificant and unimportant he views them to be. He's showing me how worthless I am in his eyes because 1) I'm female, and 2) I didn't grow up to be the person he had declared I had to be. And even though I know what he's doing, it hurts very much. I feel so tiny and unloved right now, and this is even with knowing what he's doing. I know I shouldn't be hurt by it, but I am. And there's such a big part of me that's angry. Angry that Mom, the one who loved me no matter what I did or who I was, is gone. And Dad, who hates everyone and everything and is such a huge ball of poison, is still here. I know I shouldn't be angry, I should be happy that Mom is at peace now and in no more pain. And I know it's selfish of me to wish she was still here. And yes, I realize that it's a great big sin to wish my father was dead - but there it is. And here I am, and now I need to go calm down so I can put on a happy face for my boy. But one thing is for damn sure right now - I will NEVER make my son as miserable as my father has made all of us.
Big hugs and lots of love for my adopted "family" out there. You've given me more love and support than you'll ever know. Love to you all.