As I type this, I'm supposed to be doing five million other things. I'm supposed to be working on homework (including a rather lengthy paper) - this homework is due tomorrow at 5 p.m. So really, I have to get it done tonight. But I don't want to. Why? Because so much of the stuff I have to do for these classes has very little to do with the actual art of teaching. They are filler - even the teachers say so. And I'm so burned out and exhausted and discouraged right now that I just can't get motivated to do anything other than what I want to do, which is sit at the computer and look at new cars.
But part of what has me so discouraged is the fact that I'm looking at new cars and realizing that it may not be possible right now to get one, mechanical problems aside. But, so much of what I'm looking at that has the features I want winds up being minivans, which then takes me down the road I've been contemplating for years... foster parenting. I've been thinking about applying to foster for years, but then I look at how hard I struggle to keep all my balls in the air, and how exhausted I am all the time just trying to raise one child (not to mention all the mistakes I've made and regrets I have), and how hard I struggle to keep food on the table, and how the house is always so messy I'm ashamed to have anyone over to visit, and I realize there's no way in hell I would ever get approved to foster, so why go to the expense of it all? Plus the thought of adding more children into my teeny tiny house (and my teeny tiny car) just makes me tired. And then I look some more at the cars in my price range, and wonder what I should do, and get even more discouraged. This is a very nasty cycle I'm in right now.
I'm also supposed to be cleaning house and rearranging things to make life with three dogs easier, and I'm not doing that right now, either. I'm just too tired to move. I think the fact that it gets dark so soon after I get off work now is definitely NOT a good thing for me. I need sunshine like I used to need cigarettes.
I can't put it off any longer, so I guess I better do my homework. At least when I get this done, I won't have any more homework until next Sunday. Small things for which to be grateful, no?
Stinkbumps the Wonder Boy: The rants, ravings and ramblings of a lunatic, overachieving single mom.
2 comments:
Oh Jenn. Breathe. Take one thing at a time. And breathe.
If you want to foster parent, you'll know when it's the right time, whether it's now...or a little later when you don't have so much on your plate.
I agree with Suze. Take a deep breath and tackle one issue at a time. I hate snowballs of gloom, I get them all the time and that sounds like what you've got going on right now.
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