I just wanted to let you all know that you are invited to my son’s funeral. It will be tonight once I get home and see the damage he did. He called me and informed me (in tears and hysterics) that he was playing with a stick and a balloon, and the stick flew out of his hands and THROUGH the screen of our flat-screen HDTV. If you come calling at my house around 6:30, the funeral should be ready to begin. In lieu of flowers, I ask that you donate Xanax, Valium, or whatever else tranquilizer you may have on hand. Peace be with you.