Friday, April 30, 2010

Mishmash

I've got all kinds of things zooming around in my head. I've got some sadness, some happiness, some anxiety and some calm. So I've got this big mishmash of stuff in my head and on my heart. In no particular order, here 'tis.

  • I've begun the process of applying for grad school. The first place I applied is to my alma mater, TWU. I figure I won't have to wait as long to hear if I'm accepted or not, seeing as how they already have all my transcripts and all my academic references work there. All they have to do is pick up a phone and call Dr. X and say, "So, whaddaya think of Ms. Snarkypants?" I'm also applying to some schools that are here in (or near) San Antonio. I'm applying for a couple of different programs - Masters w/Initial Teacher Certification (MS Science, MS Technology Applications dual certification), Library Science (because I'm such a book and information nerd), and I'm even batting around the idea of the Women's Studies M.A. program. True, this would ensure me a life only able to work in academia, but I think I could handle that. They also have a Ph.D. program in Women's Studies. I REALLY enjoyed all my WS classes I took as an undergrad. I like how so many different subjects can be viewed through the WS lens.

  • I've really been struggling with self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness here lately. This has been dragging me down in lots of ways, leading my mind to race a lot - and never shut up. Which has been preventing me from sleeping. Which has led to lots of reading and TV watching at 3 a.m. Not conducive to cognitive thinking the next day at work, let me tell you. Feeling like this has also affected other things, like singing, for instance. I love to sing and I always have. One of my earliest memories is listening to my sister's Farrell & Farrell cassette tape, singing along with the song "Through Your Eyes." At the end, there's a note that's held out for a while, and it's on the higher end of the range. I held out the note so long that my sister, not realizing it was me singing and not the tape, came running into the bedroom to see what I had done to her tape to make it hold out that long. She was very musical, and knew how long the note was held out on the tape. So it freaked her out when it seemed like the note went on longer than it should. I've always, always loved to sing. I sing when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm scared, when I'm lonely. But, as much as I love to do it, and as much as I want to do it, there's this voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. That my voice is horrible. That no one wants to hear me sing. That I sound like a frog croaking. Then I start remembering all the times growing up I was told by teachers or students or whomever that I should just shut up and stop singing. Then I doubt. And I worry. And I fret. So then I don't sing as much, even though I really want to. And then I get sad. And so the circle begins again. This has been bothering me a lot lately, because I really really REALLY want to sing something for the offertory music at church. And just when I think, "A ha! That's the song I want to sing!", those old doubts start hitting at me again.

  • I just found out someone I had a long-term relationship with (albeit off and on) got married. We never seemed to feel the same way about each other at the same time, so there was a lot of back and forth in that relationship. When I visited home in 2006, I saw him again. I made an off-hand comment that was really stupid, and he never spoke to me again. At least, I think my stupid remark is why he never contacted me again. Seeing as how he never told me, I don't really know WHY. We had plans to go out to dinner or something one night while I was there, and he never showed up, never returned a phone call, or anything. My attempts to contact him since then were never successful, either. It always left a little hole in me. In a way, finding out he got married is sad and happy all at once. I'm sad that he didn't think enough of me to tell me outright "You said something stupid and I didn't like it." I'm sad that he didn't think enough of the fact that we were friends first to ever return any of my phone calls, e-mails, or facebook friend requests. I always wondered "what if" with him. But I'm happy for him, happy that he has someone he loves and who loves him in return. I'm hoping now I can move on for good from that chapter in my life. Though, let me tell you, the whole experience has done nothing for my confidence when it comes to dating!

  • Susan and David are leaving next weekend to go home. I'm happy for them to be able to go back to their stuff and their friends and home... but sad that they are leaving, too. Safe travels, and we love you.

4 comments:

Mrs. Allroro said...

Now I'm sad. I knew you were sad, but it makes me sad to hear reasons. ButI'm glad I know some reasons. And I want to talk to you more often.

As for the friend, if it is who I think it is, I'm glad that chapter is over. That wasn't friendship, or love, and you deserve so much better. Not really commenting on his worth as a person, just that I know you deserve someone who will love you consistently and sincerely--not just when it's convenient.

And as for the parents we share, I'm so so so thankful they were there with you all this time, and I hope it just made us closer as a family and that you'll find family gatherings more irresistable and thusly visit more often.

And I hope you have the time of your life earning your masters and phd and I'll be so proud of you!

Suze said...

Jenn, you are in my thoughts. If you had any idea how amazing many of us think you are - KNOW you are - you would never have a day of feeling worthless. You should be so proud of yourself!

Good luck with the grad school thing. I hope you find a program at a school that is a good fit. I love the idea of you doing a Womens Studies degree, though of course that's probably not as practical as MLS. Maybe you could do a double masters, or an MLS with specialization in WS or something? Do you have someone you can talk to (like an academic advisor) to help with these decisions?

As for the singing - you should always always sing. You have a lovely voice; don't let anyone tell you differently. Do you know that women's voices usually mature around age 30? So you should be at your peak now! Sing on! I think everyone should sing, actually. It's a universal form of self-expression. (Speaking as someone who will only sing in the shower...)

Jessi said...

Speaking as someone who is very nearly tone deaf and still sings just because I love it, you should do what you love. If it doesn't make someone else happy, then they don't have to listen. You, of course, have a beautiful voice that will bring joy to everyone who hears it, though, so I'm not sure that is helpful.

AnnaMarie said...

Hugs to you, Jenn. Not to intrude, but this is one of my all time absolutely favorite books. It's not new age-y or weird. It's just GOOD. And I refer to it a lot when I think about my own happiness meter.

http://www.happinesshypothesis.com/

xoxoxo