Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Feeling Introspective

So, having read Suze's blog and COMPLETELY understanding her feelings, I can also concurr and state I myself have been feeling rather introspective lately, but in a different vein. In fact, I had a verbal tussle with my roommate over the weekend, and she hurled a particularly pointed verbal dagger at me that was way. too. true. And it hurt, not because she said it, but because it was true.

Basically, Rachel pointed out to me that the reason why I'm lonely and haven't been in a relationship in too long to count is because I've built such a thick wall around myself that no one can get in. No one. Even if I want them to, that wall is so thick that nobody has a chance to get to know me, and I don't give them a chance to know what kind of person I am, because I'm too chicken shit to tear down the wall and let anybody see me - you know, the real me. Not the sarcastic, scary-brained geek freak persona I put on to rebuff people.

Can we say "Ouch!"?

Yeah. Major ouch. But what hurts the most is that it's true. And what sucks the most is that the wall has been there so long, I don't even realize it's there half the time, much less remember how to take it back down again. I think I erected this wall somewhere around 1986, just after my sister died.

So, anyone with demolition experience out there want to suggest how I can tear this sucker down? Because I'm really tired of the wall, and I'm really tired of having the real me tucked away behind this bitchy persona I don't even really like all that much.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Suze said...

I can't come close to understanding what you've experienced in life. So I don't really have sage advice for you, but I think you're off to a good start by acknowledging what you need to do. I will say this, though: don't be afraid to find a therapist to help you through this. That's what they're for.

Mrs. Allroro said...

That's a good point. You have suffered some serious loss in your life, and it never occured to me before, as someone who's supposed to care a lot about you, that you may have never had a professional ear available to you after losing some of the most important people in the world to you. You never hesitate to take your son to specialists for all of his needs, because you love him. Well, I love you, so I'm agreeing with Suze.

Jenn-Jenn, the Mother Hen said...

Love you guys, too. I'm working on finding someone to talk to who accepts my insurance.

Oh, and "Anonymous" - your comment is being deleted; not so much for what you said, but because you didn't put a name to what you said. I don't like anonymous comments on my blog.

Mrs. Allroro said...

me neither.