I've been asking a lot of questions of myself here lately. "Why am I here?" is the big one right now, followed closely by "What is my purpose in life? What place do I fill in the world? Who, what and WHERE am I supposed to be?" I firmly believe God has a plan for all of us - what I don't know is if his plan is set in concrete, aboslute terms or if he has a general, vague conception of where he wants each of us to be. Whichever it is, I'm totally lost and have no clue how to discover it.
I've been feeling like the lines from one of my favorite Concrete Blonde songs here lately
like a book with missing pages
like a story incomplete
like a painting left unfinished
it feels like not enough to eat.
"Little Conversations" - Concrete Blonde
I'm overwhelmed and bored at the same time. Overwhelmed between school, work and kids; bored by my job and impatient to see what's around that next corner. I know what I want, but I have to figure out if that's also what is meant to happen, or if it would just hurt everyone involved and cause a disaster of nuclear proportions. And there' are other things clouding the issue - my fear of rejection, the logistics of what I want, figuring out if anyone else is wanting the same thing I am, etc.
It has me feeling confused and adrift lately, so I have therefore been questioning every major event in my life, trying to figure out if the key to the future is in my past, or if my past is just so much baggage that needs to be thrown off the train. Trying to figure out where I am supposed to exist in this world, what sort of impact (good or bad) I'm having on Jamie, if I've done all that I should have done, etc. Your typical late-night "Dear God, please don't let me have messed things up too badly and what do you have planned for me" kind of anxiety, mixed in with a bit of "please don't let this be all there is to life because if it is I don't know if I can stand it much longer" whining.
I feel as if there is something essential that I'm missing, or haven't understood, because I don't feel as though I'm living wholly in the world anymore, and I don't have the whole story. Maybe I'm the book with missing pages, but I don't know what I'm supposed to write on them. And if I don't know what to write on them, how can I tell Jamie how to complete his story as he's growing up?