I've been asking a lot of questions of myself here lately. "Why am I here?" is the big one right now, followed closely by "What is my purpose in life? What place do I fill in the world? Who, what and WHERE am I supposed to be?" I firmly believe God has a plan for all of us - what I don't know is if his plan is set in concrete, aboslute terms or if he has a general, vague conception of where he wants each of us to be. Whichever it is, I'm totally lost and have no clue how to discover it.
I've been feeling like the lines from one of my favorite Concrete Blonde songs here lately
like a book with missing pages
like a story incomplete
like a painting left unfinished
it feels like not enough to eat.
"Little Conversations" - Concrete Blonde
I'm overwhelmed and bored at the same time. Overwhelmed between school, work and kids; bored by my job and impatient to see what's around that next corner. I know what I want, but I have to figure out if that's also what is meant to happen, or if it would just hurt everyone involved and cause a disaster of nuclear proportions. And there' are other things clouding the issue - my fear of rejection, the logistics of what I want, figuring out if anyone else is wanting the same thing I am, etc.
It has me feeling confused and adrift lately, so I have therefore been questioning every major event in my life, trying to figure out if the key to the future is in my past, or if my past is just so much baggage that needs to be thrown off the train. Trying to figure out where I am supposed to exist in this world, what sort of impact (good or bad) I'm having on Jamie, if I've done all that I should have done, etc. Your typical late-night "Dear God, please don't let me have messed things up too badly and what do you have planned for me" kind of anxiety, mixed in with a bit of "please don't let this be all there is to life because if it is I don't know if I can stand it much longer" whining.
I feel as if there is something essential that I'm missing, or haven't understood, because I don't feel as though I'm living wholly in the world anymore, and I don't have the whole story. Maybe I'm the book with missing pages, but I don't know what I'm supposed to write on them. And if I don't know what to write on them, how can I tell Jamie how to complete his story as he's growing up?
Stinkbumps the Wonder Boy: The rants, ravings and ramblings of a lunatic, overachieving single mom.
8 comments:
Maybe my place in this world is to nag you guys into blogging... I'm proud of all of you today. :-)
You're here to worship God. If you're not going that, then you ought to be. There's one reason people were even created, and that is to be in fellowship with God. Have you read _The Purpose-Driven Life_? If you haven't and don't have a copy, let me know.
And another important reason you are here--to bring Jamie into this world and see that he worships God, too.
Love you.
I should read before I publish--that's doing, not going.
Yes, I have it. You sent it to me over the summer with some books for Jamie. I just haven't been able to read it due to too much school work. I'll read it soon.
Love you guys, too!
oh, jenn. you sound so overwhelmed. I'm sure that's partly stress and sleep-deprivation talking. I think it's important to realize that what you want out of your life is ultimately what's best for Jamie, too. You're working hard and going back to school to pursue a career you really want to have, and even if it's not easy for either one of you right now, you're setting a terrific example for him by not giving up on your hopes and dreams. I'm sorry if that was really corny, but I don't have a better way of saying it. You are so smart and so capable and so competent--I absolutely have faith that you can and will make it through this.
Also, for what it's worth, I have "aaaaaaaaagh what am i doing with my life is this right for me or am i wasting my time" crises on a weekly basis, so I know where you're coming from in some respects.
Hang in there.
Thanks Suze! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who freaks out occassionally about stuff like this! And thanks for the encouragement. I really needed it!
Big hugs to you all!
It must be something in the air. I'm so overwhelmed with more reports that I can't go near them right now, and I'm counting down the minutes till my vacation day on Friday.
Hang in there! You'll get through it. There's a point to it all somewhere. I don't know what the meaning is though--I like to think I'm pretty smart, but not that smart.
I'll share a funny story, though (or, funny to me story): About 6 years ago, old apartment, waiting for Tom to come home from his secodn shift position. CSI was over and I was folding laundry. It occurred to me, while standing in the hall wrestling with a bath towel, that this was it. There was not going to be some big epiphany about what to do with my life, some angel choir singing to me my purpose, or any morning where I would wake up and everything would click into place. This was my life, I was living it, and if I didn't like it, it was up to me to change it.
A small epiphany of my own, maybe, and kind of pessimistic, but oddly enough, it brought me peace. I don't know what I had been waiting for, and that thought certainly wasn't it, but it did seem to make sense.
Actually, oddly enough your story does help me. Thanks!
Okay, time to start shutting down office equipment!
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