But He Needs All the Wisdom He Can Get!

Tonight, we went to the store and stocked up on soft foods - yogurt, ice cream, cans of pinto beans (to be smashed with a fork), eggs for scrambling, broth, soups, bananas to be smushed, anything I could think of that would be squishy or could be made squishy. Tomorrow morning at 8:15, Stinkbumps will be having oral surgery to have all his wisdom teeth removed. My child is a bit above the curve in dental age. He was born with a tooth, so I really shouldn't be surprised that he is cutting his wisdom teeth three years earlier than most people. Jamie's oral surgeon joked that he should use that against me next time I say he's immature.

I know this is a pretty routine surgery and thousands go through it a day. But I still fret a bit because of his tendency to have allergic reactions to things and his asthma. This particular doctor likes to put young patients completely under for this kind of procedure - he says it is less traumatic for them and easier on him. I understand his reasoning.... but still. If he has a reaction, because of the asthma it will be just that much more severe.

I don't think I will breathe easy until I get him home and all the anesthesia has completely worn off.

Think of him tomorrow, would you?

Good News

I just got the news at work that they are going to train us all in several different departments so as to be able to keep us around longer. I don’t have a definitive date on when/if we will be let go, but at least they are trying to keep us on longer. I will post more when I know it.

 

Updates and Things

I want to apologize for my lack of blogging. I've been a terrible blogger for the last two months. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write. But I assure you, I'm reading your blogs. Not everyday, sometimes in a spurt of catching up on a week of posts at one time, but I am reading.

I will try to get my stuff straightened out so I can write a nice, long post about everything. But it won't be tonight.

Missing you all.

On Writing (More)

When I became pregnant with my son, my words dried up. Once he was born, I was too exhausted, busy, frazzled, any one of a million emotions moms go through, to be able to put pen to paper. I didn't even have any ideas anymore.

By the time he was in late elementary school, the occasional poem would pop up and even less frequently, I would have time to stop what I was doing and write it down or type it. Sometimes I posted them to my blog.

In the last year or so, something has happened. Those dried up words, the ones I despaired of ever coming back to the cracked earth that my creative wordy mind had turned into, started raining down again.

Last fall, I wrote a novel. Right now I'm polishing it up to see if I can get it published. Since then, I have composed dozens of poems, either posted to this site or used in my classroom. Yes, I share my personal writings with my students (within reason, of course). A while back, I started a second novel, this one in the Young Adult genre.

Now, I had intended to sit down and work on either editing the old novel or adding to the new one tonight. But when I sat down at my computer and started typing, something else came out entirely - almost fully formed, coming so fast my fingers and mind can't keep up, my body is desperate for sleep but the story won't let me go. It will be my third novel begun in almost two years, the second novel in just a few weeks.

I hope this drenching rain of words keeps up. I hope I don't get bogged down with having too many stories going at once. I hope I don't fizzle out and all the stories wind up sounding the same. The topics addressed are very different, but still, it could happen if I'm not careful.

But even if they do wind up sounding the same, even if I never get a single word published anyone, I am so grateful this has happened. I never realized how dead I had felt inside, how much I felt I had submerged myself into the persona of "caretaker", until the dam burst and my words poured forth again. Is this something that happens to other people? Do you get so bogged down in the day to day "stuff" that the person you are just gets buried underneath the minutia that comprises your life? Have you experienced this sudden release - where suddenly, out of nowhere, the "you" that you used to know comes back to you? Please, drop me a note in the comments and let me know your thoughts.

Online Writer's Circle

As some of you may know, last fall I wrote a novel for a class. Right now, I am writing another one of a different genre. Several of you who read this blog are writers. Many successful writers are active in writer's circles where like-minded authors gather to critique, encourage and bandy about ideas. Would any of you be interested in an online, password-protected writing circle? I want to attempt getting the YA novel I'm currently writing published. I also want to be an all-around better writer. Anyone else with similar interests and goals? Please leave me a comment and let me know.

Some Pics from Comicon

At Comicon on Friday, I got myself some bling....

I feel this is perfect for a Gifted and Talented teacher, don't you?

I also took in a show.

A "Rocky Horror"-esque reenactment of "Doctor Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog." I did as the title commanded and sang along. Jamie pretended he did not know me.

We also saw some local wildlife.

I was tempted to leave the boys with the Ewok, since they seemed to like it there.



I do not know these people, but R2D2 was really cool! His head swiveled around and he "talked" to you in response to your voice. This was taken Saturday, when I went back without the boys. Heh heh heh.

I visited their research and development department.

It would seem their researchers have put together this "little" guy to counteract a growing threat of war from across the sea. I tried to convince them this was a bad idea, but no one would listen to me. (Name that Doctor Who episode!)

I was so greatly affected by my two days of exposure that I found myself going native, so to speak.

When I got home, I dyed my hair purple as part of the costume I'm going to wear tomorrow. Also because I've wanted purple hair for years, but was working in a job that specifically banned it. I'll put it back to a color that is a little closer to my natural one come August.



Comicon

This Friday, I will be taking my son and five of his friends to the Texas Comicon. None have ever been. Jamie and a few of his friends are just starting to get into comics. All of them love Star Wars, Star Trek, and various other sci-fi franchises. The good thing about this con is that it encompasses more than just comics. A musical theatre troop will be performing a stage version of "Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog," for one thing. For another, scheduled guests include Cary Elwes, Mark Sheppard and Jim Beaver. There will be light saber battles, yo! All of our geek hearts are going pitter patter over this, I can assure you! I will post with a run down of the event and lots of pictures this weekend!

I'm Alive, I Promise!

I'm still alive. But to recover from planning and teaching three different lesson plans a day (YO!), then venturing into student teaching in the most inner-city district there is down here (DOUBLE YO!), I had to cease and desist all other activities other than breathing and paying attention to my kiddo once I got home. So, I let the blogs fall by the wayside (again). Sorry!

To catch you up, I am now on summer break, but not really, because I am taking two content area classes and finishing up my portfolio. The aforementioned student teaching with three different lesson plans a day (UGH!) was too much to pile on top of school work. So something had to give. Now I will graduate in August. At the beginning of August, to be precise. And the new teaching year starts a couple of weeks later. I think I should have all my ducks in a row before hiring begins. But if it doesn't happen, I have a back up plan. I have applied to substitute teach next year. So there's that to rely on. Also, this summer I am trying hard to not hold down a full-time job. Instead, I borrowed money up to my ears so that I can stay home and treat my classwork as though it were a job, with a schedule and everything. So far, I'm doing okay treating it that way.

Here's the schedule. I know the pic is hard to see. Sorry about that!

Jamie is gone during the day taking one of his high school courses (!!!!) over the summer so that he has more room in his schedule. He and several of his friends got accepted to a magnet program that focuses on Engineering and Technology. He's more interested in the technology part. Anyway, in this program, they have several required courses on top of the courses needed to graduate, plus they have to take extra math and science classes so that they the Distinguished diploma. So, not enough class periods in the day to get all requirements. Hence, taking a class in the summer. Jamie may have to take other summer school classes in subsequent years, as well.

Speaking of Jamie, here are some gratuitous pics to show you how much he has grown. He is now my height and his feet are about three or four sizes bigger!

We went to the SA Symphony's concert of space-related themes. Of course, Star Wars was on the play list. Several people dressed up as Star Wars characters came out during the concert, then mingled with the audience afterward.

Jamie and his friend Caitlin before the 8th grade semi-formal dance. She is actually an inch shorter than he is, but had on kitten heels so they looked the same height. Sadly, Caitlin will be going to a different magnet high school next year, so we won't see her as often. :-(

And last, but not least, Jamie and the rest of my NERDs (Neighborhood Electronic Robotic Device) at the Neutral Buoyancy Lab at NASA for the Remote Operated Vehicle (ROV) competition back in April. They were the only middle school team in attendance. Competing against high school and university teams, they got 6th place out of 14 teams. WAY TO GO, NERDS!!!!!!!

Poetry Month

We're studying poetry right now in my 7th grade classroom, so it has gotten my creative juices flowing. Here's something I whipped out in about 5 minutes.

Of all the things you ever said


Ever tried or never did

I think the one that hurt the worst

Was the day you cursed my birth.

I tried hard not to let it show

Kept the anger simmering low,

But all the while I screamed inside

“Was I the one you wished had died?”

Now you’re gone I cannot ask

But still I turn back to the past

And wondered if all this was true

Every time you said, “love you.”

 
Somehow, I think the school district would frown on me sharing this with my students. What do you think, too heavy for the average 7th grader?

March Madness

I think Jamie and I both are suffering from a case of March Madness here, but it has nothing to do with basketball. We just finished our Spring Break, and I have to start getting ready for school in less than three hours. The only problem is, I haven't been to bed yet. :-( Oh, Spring Break, you flew by too fast! My motivation and drive are dragging. Jamie and I both seem to be at our snapping points. Even with the loveliness of Spring Break, there has been a lot of arguing and bickering in our household of late. We are both tired of it, but stressed to the max. Poor kid is working so hard. I think he is just as eager as I am for this semester to be over. I know we can survive this. I know we WILL survive this. In the words of Dory, "Just keep swimming....."

Tidings

Disclaimer - this very well may be one of the most depressing posts I've written. You may not want to read this if you're having a bad day. Just sayin'. And please don't leave me any judgemental comments about this post. You are not thinking anything I'm not already thinking about myself, okay?

I put this up the other night, then promptly took it down the next day. Now I'm putting it back up again with the tag "rheumatoid arthritis" with the hopes that other people looking for answers about this sucky condition may find me. And for the record, there's no such thing as being "too young" to get RA. Don't ever let a specialist tell you, "Well, all your symptoms point to RA, but you're too young, so it can't be that...." And especially don't let them pat you on the head and tell you that there's nothing wrong with you, that you must just be "more sensitive to pain than other people" and try to push you out the door with a prescription for some stupid narcotic pain pill. INSIST that diagnostic tests be done. If that doctor won't do them, go to another doctor who will. Fire your rheumatologist if he starts acting like a misogynistic a-hole, and go get one who will actually listen to you. I did.

I know it has been a very long time since I have posted on here. There are so many things to say, and not enough words to say them with, and sometimes not enough energy to even turn on the computer to post. I'm trying to stay positive, and I have moments where I can pretend, and smile and act as though I'm not questioning - asking "But why? What did I do? WHY?". Perhaps this is why I have not posted lately.

I have this horrible tendency to cry if I talk about the things that are bothering me. Something terrible can happen, or I can be in the darkest pit ever, but so long as no one asks me to speak of it, I will not cry. But if I open my mouth and begin to speak the words, to give form to that which is hurting me, or frightens me, or makes me sad or angry, I weep. So I tend to try to avoid talking about the things that are truly and deeply upsetting me. But sometimes, I have to let it out, lest I go mad.

Much the same with writing. If I speak it or write it, then it become real. I can no longer ignore it, belittle it or wish it away. With each word spoken or written, it grows - lifting off the page or through my voice to plague my life and ensure that I most probably will never be the same again.

Jamie will never be the same again.

With each day that passes, I'm losing more and more mobility. I can no longer run or dance; in reality, I haven't been able to run in years, nor to dance in months. But there again, I've been ignoring that little reality for a long time. Heck, I can't even bowl - walking up to the lane properly is beyond my capability now. I wake up in the mornings barely able to move. I often accidentally break things because they slip out of my hands. A lot of times, I can't feel my fingers completely, so I don't realize I've lost my grip on things until they've fallen and shattered. I'm exhausted by such simple tasks as walking down the hall to retrieve a stack of papers from the work room.

My house looks like a pig sty because I can't keep it clean and Jamie has a ton of homework to do without being expected to keep the house clean, too.


I feel like my life, like my body, is falling apart. And yes, I know I sound like a spoiled little girl, whining at her parent, but all I can keep asking is, "Why? What did I do wrong?"

I said it was depressing. I'm sorry. Like I said, I can pretend for so long, but then there comes a point where I have to talk about it or write about it or else I will break completely. And I've been so good about cutting myself off from everyone over the years that writing about the things that are upsetting me is just about the only outlet I have. I have to let it out somewhere so I can continue to be strong for Jamie. He's upset enough by all this without me showing him how completely freaked out I am by my inability to do things the average two year-old has no problem doing.