What I Want for Christmas

Several people lately have asked me what I want for Christmas. Since a million bucks is kind of out of range of most of the folks I know, I've finally decided what I want - a day off from EVERYTHING.

No papers to write
no chapters of really boring text books to read
no work reports to type
no payroll reports to run
no bills to process for payment
no invoices to prepare
no phone calls
no walking the dog
no kids
no other adults
no computer
no responsibility to do anything whatsoever.

I want 24 hours of total solitude with nothing but the 500 channels on cable, a pile of good books and magazines, a huge stash of chocolate and my nice comfy bed.

Anybody able to give me that for Christmas?

Can You Believe

That this guy thinks the peace sign is "a symbol of Satan"? To quote one of my favorite cartoon characters..."WHAT A MAROON!"

Gloating, Glorifying and Giving

First, the Gloating

Being the huge geek that I am, I decided to cruise around www.weather.com to see how San Antonio's weather forecast for today stacks up against those cities where my blog friends/family live. Seems we have you all beat for warmth right now (I'm still wearing sandals and shorts most of the time, as is Jamie)...

CITY HIGH/LOW
San Antonio, TX 78/62
Goodyear, AZ 69/43
Madison, TN 68/47
Chattanooga, TN 68/46
Georgetown, KY 66/44
Brooklyn, NY 64/48
Vernon Hills, IN 58/50
Madison, WI 55/49

Tomorrow, San Antonio is supposed to be up in the 80s. Just doesn't feel like the Christmas season has begun. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I miss snow.

Then the Glorifying

Had a great church service yesterday. I really felt the Lord with us there in the church. I came away with a sense of peace that calmed my heart and stilled my soul. I had a mini-epiphany (epiphannette?), reinforcing that you have to have pain to have joy and dark to have light. I also realized that, although there's a lot of stuff that I consider to be troubling in my life right now, I have much more that I should be grateful for. So I gave many thanks to Him instead of whining. It felt good to praise and give glory rather than complaining.

And Now the Giving

Had fun doing some Internet Christmas browsing over the weekend. I didn't get to buy anything like I wanted to, but it was fun browsing around to see if I could find the perfect gifts for each person on my list. That's what I love best about Christmas - giving the people I care about and love presents. It's not so much about me getting anything from anyone else (although I do admit I like that, too!), but about the act of finding the present I think best suits the receiver. And one day, when I've gotten my bachelor's degree out of the way and wrap up my MLS, I'll REALLY get to have fun giving presents!

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving!

Eye Candy Tuesday

I don't know about you, but this is about the sweetest, most handsome 8 year old boy I've seen in a long time. (Is it just me, or does he look a lot like my brother? Only with lighter hair and eyes, of course.)

I Haven't Done Many Lists...

I haven't done many lists, so I thought I'd steal this one from Suze. Anyway, 50 random questions that might tell some of you some things you want to know (or not). I just wanted to post a more positive post since the last couple have been so whiny.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
You mean you’re supposed to look in the mirror?

2. How much cash do you have on you?
$20.53

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
poor

4. Favorite planet?
Saturn

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My house. I lose my cell phone all the time and use the home phone to call it. Then I just track it down by listening for the ringer.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
“The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A long sleeve orange t-shirt with faux white undershirt I got at Wally World a couple years ago

8. Do you “label” yourself?
Does “classic-overachiever-single-mom-slowly-driving-herself-insane” count?

9. Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing?
I’m barefoot right now, but the last shoes I had on were black soccer slides

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She’s smart, funny and basically all-around great

12. What does your watch look like?
Which one?

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading a really good suspense novel called “Hour Game”

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
It was a very explicit, VERY RAUNCHY text which was apparently meant for the man who used to have my cell phone number, as I sure as heck don’t know any women named Candii and what she was suggesting was anatomically impossible for me to accomplish. LOL!

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I haven’t seen any down here

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?
How about a phrase… “um….no” (usually in response to Jamie’s ridiculous and frequent requests for toys)

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Jamie

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My cottonball dog, Ziggy

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Three – 1) caffeine, 2) caffeine, and 3) caffeine

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Three from a year and a half ago. I’m just now emerging from the dark ages

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Wha? Not applicable

22. Your worst enemy?
I’m my own worst enemy

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Home: A gorgeous picture of a woodland bridge in Central Park my brother took. Work: A promotional still from the Nickelodeon animated series “Avatar: The Last Airbender”. Yes, I am a geek

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Yes, you may stay up a little bit later since you don’t have school tomorrow”. Jamie’s school gets the entire Thanksgiving week off from school

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
The money. If I want to fly then, I’ll just buy a plane

26. Do you like someone?
Most definitely

27. The last song you listened to?
“White and Nerdy” by Weird Al. I like hearing songs about me

28. What time of day were you born?
8:55 a.m. exactly

29. What’s your favorite number?
6 (that’s been Jamie’s soccer number, regardless of team, for years now)

30. Where did you live in 1987?
In Indian Acres in a certain Kentucky town that many of my blogging friends know quite well

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
I try not to be

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I sooooooo seriously doubt it!

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Mass Communications class at Eastern Kentucky University

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Usually I rock them back and forth until they either spew forth my money or my candy

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
I try to be

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Having enduring numerous painful medical procedures involving needles from the age of 6 until recently, there isn’t enough money in the world to induce me to put a tattoo anywhere on my person (unless it’s the rub-on-with-a-sponge-and-water kind)

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Actually, there’s two – Russian and Latin

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Most definitely

39. Are you touchy feely?
Not really touchy feely, but I do enjoy a good cuddle

40. What’s your life motto?
I’m stealing this from a poem a read, but basically “It doesn’t matter what other people think about you. It’s all between you and God, anyway”

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Cell phone
Jamie’s epi-pen
chapstick

42. What’s your favorite town/city?
Currently, this great little town called Boerne, TX. It’s all antiques, no tall signs spearing the sky, nice old-fashioned Main Street (btw- “Boerne” rhymes with Ernie)

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Little Caesar’s Pizza and breadsticks

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Does a greeting card count?

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No clue how to do anything on my car. I’m a typical female in that all I do is get in the car and drive it. I pay someone else to maintain it.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
I’m not going there

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Um, not very

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Ann’s wedding in May. I wore a strapless chocolate brown satin bridesmaid’s dress. Duh! I wore it because I was a bridesmaid

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My throat. I’ve got a sinus thing going on now

50. Have you been burned by love?
A long time ago, but I’m over it now.

Anniversary

Mom died six years ago today. I've been too busy most of the day to really dwell on it, but it's been pushing at the back of my mind all day. I know I shouldn't be sad that she's gone. That's selfish of me. Because what I'm most sad about is that I don't have her here with me. I should be rejoicing. She's with Jodi now. And she's finally gotten to know the little baby boy she lost long before I was born. I know Mom and Jodi are laughing and joking and so happy to be together now. But it still hurts, I still miss her. Well, I miss Jodi, too. I miss them both so much, but I can admit I miss Mom more. I knew her longer, and on a different level. I was just about Jamie's age when Jodi died. So I knew her as a sister knows her hero. I didn't really know the "real" Jodi. I knew and loved what I wanted her to be. With Mom, I knew her as a child first, but then as a woman and a best friend. Yes, we got on each other's nerves, and there are countless times we hurt each other. But as the old cliche says, "we hurt most the ones we love best", or something like that.

I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Mom and her illness. Maybe if I write them here, I can finally let go of the guilt. Maybe I can finally forgive myself for being a selfish chit in her last days. See, Mom was already in the nursing home when I had my birthday. I was working that day, and I was too tired after covering a whole bunch of stories, literally running all over the state that day. So I was too tired to go see her. I didn't go see my mother and tell her "thank you for my life" on my birthday. The last birthday I had that she was alive to see. I think part of me was in denial that she would really die. I kept thinking she'd suddenly just get better one day and get to come home. I'd have my mommy back, and Jamie would have his grandmama. Everything would be just the way it was before our lives were turned upside down. So I ignored how imperative it was that I go see her that day. True, I went and saw her the next day, but I missed that crucial opportunity to tell her just how much I appreciated all the sacrifices she had ever made for me and for Jamie.

My last moment of shame and guilt: When Hospice called to tell me Mom was dying, I didn't go see her. I had been out there earlier that day. Mom was pretty far gone - the cancer had eaten into a lot of her brain. She was in pain, so the nurses had her on a morphine drip. So she wasn't coherent. I don't know if she knew we were there. But just before we left, I hugged her so hard, and I told her that if it hurt too much, and if she couldn't face the pain anymore, that I wanted her to "let go". I told her not to try to hold on any longer if it was too hard. I told her it was okay to let go. She looked me square in the eyes then. I hugged her harder than I have ever hugged anyone in my life. I held her for as long as I could, but then Jamie started fussing (he wasn't quite 3 yet) and we had to go.

That night, I had some severe pain related to my own health condition at the time, so I took some pretty stout narcotic pain killers. About an hour later, Hospice called and told me to come, that Mom was about to slip away. I couldn't drive in that condition and Jamie's babysitter wasn't home. I wasn't about to drive on narcotics, much less with my toddler in the car. So I couldn't go. I wasn't there when my mother died. Mom didn't have anyone who loved her there to hold her hand when she died. I take that back, she did, Jesus was there, and I know He took her in His arms. But I should have been there too. And I still feel guilty over it. I don't want my mom to think I didn't love her. I did. She was my best friend in the whole world. I loved her so much. I do love her so much. I still miss her with all my heart. And yet I wasn't there with her when she died.

Yet again, I'm not there with her. I can't be there to put flowers on her grave today. I'm not there to talk to her and tell her how much I love her. How much my heart hurts not having her here with me. How it hurts me for Jamie to not have her in his life anymore. Her grave is 1200 miles away. I just hope someone remembered to take her flowers today. Yellow roses were her favorites.

I love you, Mommy. I'll always carry you in my heart.

AAAAAAAACKKKKKK!

I MUST BE CRAZY TO BE TRYING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK!!!! I feel like someone has taken my head and is just squeezing as hard as they can, then someone else has hooked up my heart to the car battery and making it go "vroooooommmm, vrooooooommm" at a million miles an hour.

Tonight I have an exam (3/4 of the material I haven't had time to read), later this week two term papers are due, and this week is payroll as well as everyone at work is dumping crap on me in anticipation of next week being only three days long. Aaaaackkkkkkkkkkkkkk! If I thought it would do any good, I'd sit here and have a good cry. What on earth was I thinking? (Other than wanting out of the secretarial field and wanting more money and a better life for Jamie!!!!)

This Guy Listens to Weird Al

I know this because he "Dare(s) to be Stupid!". To know what I'm talking about, go here. I never cease to be amazed by the stupidity of some people. Roman candle, anyone?

For Clan Meadors

First, a funny story that makes me think of all the members of Clan Meadors:

I had a moment at work yesterday when it was like Mr. David was inside my head. The engineer I don't get along with very well is investigating the cause of a fatal car wreck. It is believed one of the metal parts failed (that's where my company's expertise comes in) causing the wreck. As he passed by, the engineer was muttering something about "dead men tell no tales". Suddenly, it was as though David was sitting right there beside me, because I could hear his voice clearly in my head. "If a dead man speaks, there's a good possibility that he isn't quite dead." I started laughing and said that to the engineer. I think he thinks I'm a bit off my rocker now.

Now a funny cartoon that makes me think of you all:



P.S. I hope you realize that you don't necessarily have to have the last name "Meadors" for me to consider you part of Clan Meadors. Much like the Scots, I consider David and Susan to be the Clan heads, and the rest of us have been either birthed into or adopted as part of the clan family. But now I'm starting to wonder what our tartan would look like...

Contemplation

I've been doing a lot of thinking here lately regarding the choices I've made in life, and how I got where I am, and where I want to go from here. I've also been asking myself the question, "Where does God want me to go from here?" I believe he led me here to Texas, but I also believe I'm not meant to stay here long-term.

I didn't want to leave Georgetown. In fact, at my little going-away get together, I cried. A lot. And when we finally packed up the car and drove away from Georgetown, I cried - a lot. I cried until we got to Tennessee (no joke). Heck, I even cried when I left Kentucky again after we had visited for Ann's wedding. Kentucky was where I had people I loved. Kentucky was safe. But Kentucky was also becoming toxic to my soul.

I had (and still have) some great friends in Ky. But I also had some long-term relationships with people who were... well, bad influences. I was trying to become a better person, but I kept submitting to the temptations these people were offering. And because some of these people were "friends" (so I thought) for such a long time, I felt I couldn't say "no" to them when they asked me to do stuff for them, or go out with them. I thought they were friends, and I was weak, and did things I knew was wrong because I thought I was just "having fun". What I was doing wasn't illegal, I wasn't hurting anyone (but myself) but it wasn't who I wanted to be. But I wasn't sure how to get away from these influences because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Then things started happening which I now believe was God setting up a chain of events that would force me to get away from those bad influences and find the person He knew I could be. I also had to leave my "comfort zone" behind to do it.

See, I was comfortable in Georgetown. I didn't have to try hard because I knew most everybody. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing at least five people I knew. But it was also hard, because there was this preconceived notion of who I was and what was expected of me. I was the "bright girl" who had made all the wrong choices and was going nowhere in life. So it was really easy to just be that person because it took no effort whatsoever. But when I realized I didn't want to be that anymore, it was hard to get people to see me as something else and give me the chance to be that. (But let me clarify here. There are some people who loved me and accepted me regardless of what I did. You know who you are. You - and God of course - saved me from just giving up and being that bad person it would have been so easy to be.) I woke up and realized I wanted to make the right choices, but I wasn't sure how to do it.

Moving to Texas was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I knew exactly one person down here - my father. And I love my dad, but I do NOT like him very much. So moving away from my support center to where I basically had no person on my side was so difficult. But I needed to start over. I needed to get away from all the word-of-mouth that kept me from finding gainful employment. I needed to get away from my past and be who I was meant to be. Not knowing anyone down here at all gave me the ability to shed that "other Jennifer". No one knew me, so no certain behavior was expected of me. I was able to be the person I want to be, the person God wants me to be.

True, I'm still taking little baby steps. It's hard to shed years of bad habits and behaviors. But I'm doing it. I have a great job and I've found a wonderful church. I have one really good friend and a few acquaintances who might turn into good friends. And I've also discovered something else: I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. And a lot more kind and generous. And even smarter. (If I'm not careful, I'll sound conceited!) Three years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you had told me I could pull off school full-time, work full-time, raising and loving my boy and still do all the volunteering that I do. When I lived in Kentucky, I had convinced myself I was a failure. But I'm not. It's just taken me moving 1200 miles away from my comfort zone to figure it out. God knew who I was and what I could be all along. I was just too stubborn to realize it, so he had to arrange things in such a way to make me figure it out for myself. Thank you, Jesus.

Play in Catsup

Yes folks, that's a pun. (I didn't say it was a good one, I just said it was a pun).

Lots of stuff to post, but have to do it quickly. Don't really have time to post, but there are lots of things on my mind that I want to get out of my head. I guess you could say my blog is my own personal pensieve. But no, I don't see myself as Dumbledore. I'm not wise enough.

Anyhoo - Jamie and I have found a new church. For quite a while, I'd been disturbed by the prevailing attitude of my old church, and started to feel it's very bigness (which I had previously thought of as a plus) was more of a major minus, in that I felt Jamie and I were falling down the cracks. So we stopped going. I'd been contemplating whether to try this other church I'd heard about and researched and finally two Sundays ago Jamie and I went. Rachel and Destiny went with us. Well, I loved it (so did Rachel). But I didn't want to make any committments or say anything about it until I had been again. Well, went back again this last Sunday, and I still love it. So it looks like my new church home is The Vineyard Church of San Antonio. Yep, that's what I said. It's a Vineyard church.

Just wanted to share that joyful news and I'll blog more later, I promise folks! Lots of other stuff brewing in the brain, but I'm on a time crunch at work.

Love y'all!

Halloweenish Eye Candy Friday

As promised, here are my favorite pics from the pre-Halloween weekend festivities. I think my favorite one is the last one.

Eye Candy Thursday

Jamie has gone another month without getting his pyramid down at school. That's three months in a row, folks! So, to show him how awesome that is, he got another trip to Build-a-Bear Workshop tonight. He was allowed to pick out a new "friend", and an outfit for said friend and another outfit for Fuzz Lightyear. Mommy went overboard, as usual. I couldn't really afford it, but I was getting really tired of having to tell Jamie "no" all the time. You can't really tell in the picture, but those are "Superman" pajamas that Fuzz is wearing.

I was going to wait until the weekend, but then I realized getting him a new BAB toy will keep him entertained tomorrow night after soccer practice so that I can do the homework I've been avoiding all week - a term paper, a short article review, five chapters of US History (wish I'd thought to get a copy of a certain Dave Barry book for myself, as well!), and various and sundry other assignments that, while not due this week, will be coming due before Thanksgiving. But procrastination works well for me, and I like to stick to what I'm good at!

Big hugs to you all. Boss out of town tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have a moment to post some Halloween pics for Eye Candy Friday.

I Bet You Thought the Halloween Spirits Got Me

Sorry I've been away for so long. Things have been hectic at work, and very stressed out (and sick) at home. Seems like I've got a sinus thing going on that is making me miserable right now. I'll be glad when the weather decides to make up its mind.

So, last time we talked, I was begging for help with a Halloween mask for Jamie. Well, I never got a chance to make him one the way I planned to. However, I found some card stock and crayons, and decided to make him one anyway. I am not the most visually artistic person in my family - that title goes to my brother. However, if I set my mind to it, I can create a reasonable facsimile of what I want to make. Here's what I got on the first try:



Not too shabby, even if I say so myself. Jamie was tickled to death with it - so that was good enough for me. (I kept expecting people to ask me what the Asian Doberman was all about, though). Saturday was a busy day. We babysat Destiny, so she got to do all kinds of fun stuff with us. Jamie had a soccer game, which his team won 2-1! Jamie played offense, and has proven to me (and his coach) that he has become an awesome all-around soccer player. She now knows she can put him in any position and he'll do a good job. Too bad we found this out just in time for him to move up a league, and consequently have a new coach!

Then it was straight to his school's PTA carnival. Lots of fun times were had by all. Several really cute pictures were taken, but I have been too busy at work to be able to use the scanner, so you'll just have to wait until I get a chance to sneak in there before you can see the pics. Jamie was fierce and Destiny was adorable!

Then it was home for a few hours so Destiny could take a much-needed nap and I could finish up homework on the computer. Then we went to the Big Brothers Big Sisters Halloween Party on a large ranch out in the middle of nowhere. They had a costume contest, and Jamie won first prize for "most creative costume". This was only for people who had made their own costume. Jamie was tickled pink! I got some cute pictures of the kids afterwards pretending to be vampires (it's amazing what one can do with french fries and catsup!) I'll post those, too, once I can sneak and use the scanner.

Yesterday I got a surprise package in the mail, so that made a rough day much nicer.

Now you're caught up (sort of) and I don't feel so guilty about singing on y'all's blogs and neglecting my own.

Big hugs to you all!